Written by Velour and Zeus for Interracial Intersection.
Deep down you fear it’s hopeless; you will never meet your one true love. Some guys check you out – but very few ask you out. The ones who do hit on you really turn you off. Your friends can’t tell you why you never seem to attract the right men. You sit home alone, praying for the phone to ring, and checking your inbox every five minutes to see if Mr. Right finally found your profile amongst the millions on that dating site.
Wait a minute…
when you’re looking for a job, do you sit home hoping and praying that by some miracle some employer will come knocking on your door, offering you a job?? Of course not! You check out the job market, do everything you can to make yourself employable in it, and keep going out and positioning yourself to be hired, until you do get hired. So why not be more proactive when it comes to relationships?
Remember that waiting for a date is a trap, because the longer you isolate yourself from social settings and interactions with the opposite sex, the more out-of-practice you become, and the lower your confidence sinks.
No, we’re not suggesting that you chase after guys, upend your world, or become someone you’re not in order to attract the person you want. After all, you want a guy who genuinely likes you for who you are.
Learn who you are, and work with it. Enhance your best qualities, including your natural femininity and other aspects of your personality, and work on projecting these qualities. Heal your old wounds, and expel your bad habits. Cast your social net far and wide, and flirt, flirt, flirt. Here’s how.
Personality
BE the person you’d like to attract. Would you like a man who is always supportive? Be a supportive woman. Would you like a clean, well-groomed man? Be a clean, well-groomed lady. Would you like a respectful, respectable gentleman? Be respectful and respectable. Ask yourself honestly: Are you the type of person whom you would want to spend time around? Would you marry yourself?
Warmth: The number one and most universal way to attract people to you is by wearing a smile. Just as you may find that you are more drawn to people who seem pleasant and open, guys 
will be most drawn to you when you seem warm, open and relaxed. A smile communicates all of these things.
Learn the art of small talk. Be relaxed and a good listener. Develop your sense of humor: don’t be afraid to playfully tease and joke with others and to laugh at their jokes. Work on making your personality shine through in conversation. Aspects of your personality to project include your unique interests, hopes, dreams, and outlook on life.
Self-confidence: See yourself as an attractive, desirable, and worthy woman. It will show in the way you express and carry yourself. Others will be fascinated, sensing there is “just something about you,” and want to know more about what makes you special.
Femininity: Generally speaking, men need to feel needed.
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Let a man be a gentleman. Don’t feel funny about permitting him to hold the door for you, carry your bags, pull out your chair, and pay for dates. Most men will find it a great pleasure to do these things for you when you smile and thank them sweetly. It truly brightens a man’s day to feel he could help you in some way, no matter how small, and to know he could put a smile on your face, if only for some fleeting seconds. Your smile is positive reinforcement, and encourages him to continue. (My husband still refuses to let me pay for dates, carry items, or open a door when he’s around. Smile.)
Just avoid projecting an air of entitlement to it, and even men who normally would never even consider chivalry will be tripping over themselves for the chance to assist you (I have had caveman types being chivalrous and gentle as doves to me…and no, I did not date them). If you seem to demand it, though, he will resent you. If at some time you don’t require that man’s help in that moment, simply say, “No thank you” – preferably with a smile. -
If you’re not interested in a particular man who asks you out, be graceful about turning down his advances. While you should not tolerate disrespect or danger from ruffians, you should avoid being unnecessarily rude. While it may seem amusing to you and your friends to shoot a guy down rudely, the men in the vicinity whom you’d actually like to approach you will be unlikely to do so if they think it may lead to public humiliation.
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Relax. Don’t be afraid to share your feelings with your man, and allow him to comfort you when you’re hurting.
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Relax. Don’t be afraid to rely on your man if he has demonstrated reliability.
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Don’t be afraid to allow your man to handle the situation if someone does you wrong.
Wellness: Is your attitude towards your ex or the opposite sex negative? Are you constantly ranting and complaining about something or everything? Are you stressed to the max while your life is spinning out of control? Men are usually more laid-back, and will be turned off by all of this drama. Heal, find inner balance, remove the negative people from your life, and find healthy, constructive outlets and methods of resolving your current concerns.
Appearance
Go out feeling like a million bucks. We all have an outfit that makes us feel like a million bucks – and it’s not about the price tag. Maybe you just know in your head when you wear this outfit that you’re working it. Perhaps you turn heads or get compliments from others. Whatever it is that makes you look and feel so good in that outfit, just make that style your own. Get more outfits in a similar style or color.
Be feminine in dress, yet discreet. On the one hand, you won’t attract guys if you hide your curves in a burlap sack. On the other, sure, you will attract a lot of guys if you let it all hang out – but the attention will only last until the novelty runs out, and then it’s on to the next stripper look-alike. Aim for a happy medium. Real men – quality, caring, supportive men who are worth having around long-term – are more complex than the ones who seek an “easy lay,” and will be attracted to you and see you as a keeper when you not only have a pretty face and body, but substance and sweetness.
Accentuate the positive. Wear clothes suitable for your body type, and a hairstyle appropriate for your face shape. Do you have big, beautiful eyes, or full, shapely lips? Being a black woman, I’m betting you do. Do not be afraid to play up your best natural features with a bit of eyeshadow, lip gloss, or whatever is necessary depending on the asset in question.
Don’t get too dolled up. There is no reason to spend all your money on fake two-inch nails, a $200 bi-weekly hairdo and several pounds of makeup, thinking that this will attract men. It’s unnecessary, as it only matters to most guys that your hair and nails are neat. Many guys find the fake look to be a turn-off, anyway. What matters in terms of looks is that you have a reasonably attractive face and body, are dressed in a way that best suits you, and smell good. Invest that money in a long-term fitness plan – and stick the rest in the bank.
Flirting 101
Stage 1 – Introductory Flirting
Spot the guy you’re interested in. 
When you make eye contact, smile, and then look away. Wait for a few beats, and then let your eyes wander over to meet his eyes again, and smile again. Though it seems simple, it’s actually the best way to communicate your interest and approachability while still not seeming easy. It also works to build his curiosity. Oftentimes, a guy will initiate conversation at this point.
Stage 2 – Approaching a guy…and flirting some more!
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Approach: The best way to approach a guy without seeming easy or forward is by initiating a regular conversation. Choose a topic based on your current situation or environment. For example, if he’s reading a book, you might say, “That book looks interesting. What is it about?” This will get the dialogue flowing. If you are at a Korean art festival, you might ask him about the artifacts, drum dances, or singing styles, and then talk to him about other things you already knew about the culture once the conversation starts flowing. He will be flattered by your interest in his culture, and presume you have some interest in spending time with a man of that culture – like him. Another way to open a conversation is to talk to a guy about something you know you’re both interested in. This will be easy if you lead an active life and the guy you like is a member of, say, your ski club, or has the same university major. Avoid racy or controversial topics such as sex or politics; keep it relaxed and light-hearted.
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Body Language: While talking, use body language that conveys your openness and enjoyment of the conversation. He may be nervous, too, but will be quickly put at ease by your smiles, friendly tone, and relaxed and comfortable posture. Never cross your arms, and make sure that your head and entire body, including your legs, are facing his direction. If you’re both sitting, lean slightly forward toward him. The amount of space you put between the two of you before getting to know him should depend on both the circumstances and the norms of your country or culture and his. As the conversation progresses, more prolonged and relaxed eye contact should happen naturally.
Read on to see how to get more daring with your flirtation as the conversation continues!
Stage 3 – How to tell if he likes you…and advanced flirting techniques!
People’s body language can tell you a great deal. Continue to take note of his body language before advancing to each stage of flirtation. If he’s giving you signals similar to the ones you’re giving him, that is a sign
that he’s warm and receptive to you. Let the flirting proceed!
Smile up at him through your lashes. Look into his eyes and stand close. Does he make a lot of eye contact? (Note: Timid guys may look down at the floor a lot. Some cultures see eye contact as a sign of disrespect.) Does he glance down at your lips? This is a sign that he is thinking about kissing you.
When you get close to him, does he remain in place? This is a sign that he is relaxed and comfortable with you. If he responds to your increased closeness by moving closer himself, this is a sign that he likes you a lot. However, if he reflexively moves away, he isn’t interested or isn’t ready for the interaction to get more intimate.
Other positive signs to look for are if he seems to breath with you, and mirrors your gestures or posture. This will usually happen subconsciously when two people are in sync.
If he responds positively to your closeness, lightly and briefly touch his hand, arm, or shoulder to emphasize points you make while chatting. Physical contact helps to build intimacy.
Give him a compliment. Tell him he’s nice or funny. If you’re really daring, you may even tell him he has nice eyes or that his arms look so strong (only compliment a neutral body part, though, and don’t lay it on too thick).
Compatibility
Get to know you: To truly know who’s right for you, first you need to know who you are. What are your personality traits and core values? Knowing this will help you identify what you need in a man. Do know what you want in a man, but keep an open mind.
Be true to yourself. While it’s impolite and improper to aggressively push your point of view on others and insult them if they disagree, you should not change how you feel about certain subjects or downplay aspects of who you are in order to please others. Having to fake or suppress your true self all the time would make you miserable, and the relationship would likely end once the charade fell apart, anyway. In the long run, you would be cheating yourself out of the chance to be accepted for who you are, or to meet someone else who would.
How to tell if he’s a good guy and loves you.
Does he truly listen to you? Does he confide in you his innermost thoughts, problems and future plans? Has he taken you to meet his family and closest friends? Does he take an interest in your life? 
Does he empathize with your struggles? Is he willing to sacrifice his self-interest for your sake, without you even asking?
When does a guy commit?
Just as you likely wouldn’t jump at the opportunity to marry a guy who’s several thousand dollars in debt and paying child support to three women while working a minimum wage job and living in his mother’s basement, guys are more likely to commit to a woman whose life seems to be under control. Look like you’re together, and have your life in order.
What you do for him and how he feels about himself when he is with you are important factors in whether he will commit.
Get a Life!
No, really. Don’t let the hunt for a man consume your life so that desperation and neediness are written all over your face and weigh down your heart. Stay active, and surround yourself with people who are happy with themselves and their own lives. Not only will you be happy when you are active and enjoying life, but you will be far more attractive to other people, including men. Having hobbies and interests and going on adventures will give you intriguing things to talk about. Develop a network of acquaintances, as this will enrich your life. Also, your acquaintances will match you up with men they know once they know you’re looking. Some of the best romantic relationships are formed through social introduction. When you go out, be sure at least a good portion of the time to go places where men will be present. After all, you won’t meet men if you’re never around them. Go out alone sometimes; guys are more hesitant to approach a gaggle of girls than they are when it’s just you. If you do need to go out with your gal pals for safety reasons, step away from the group now and then to give guys an opportunity to talk to you – but stay within a safe distance from your friends.
~By Velour, and husband Zeus, administrator of The Social Gods.
(This is not my video…I just happened to find it right before my final edit and wanted to share it with you.)
Great post!
Wow!! Great post! These are great tips and great advice.
Thanks!
Miss Jrocker!
great post….
http://afromeetseuro.blogspot.com/
Velour and Zeus….I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!
Thank you for the awesome tips and advice.
Some black people like “quick fixes” as opposed to long-term solutions. For example, a man may invest all his money in useless things such as rims, bling, “pimped out rides” (ha) to look cool and moneyed, rather than saving or investing in something that will appreciate in value, and a woman may throw untold amounts into her hair and nails. It’s a lot more beneficial to a woman to invest in the fitness of her body. You’ll get better returns if you stay in shape, both for your health (if your body is not strong and healthy, you will die prematurely or pay a lot in medical bills) as well as attracting a mate. Eat well, and exercise three or four times a week at home or in a fitness center. You don’t have to be the thinnest woman in the world, but you should maintain a healthy weight and keep things tight. There is nothing wrong with spending on your hair and nails in moderation. But, you know…priorities. I’m naturally thin, but I do aerobics with weights and/or Pilates to keep things looking as they should, and my guy also works out to stay in shape for me (and for himself)…he knows I like a guy who looks hot lol. Staying in shape for your partner is one crucial way of keeping attraction alive in a marriage.
I don’t know where that picture at the top of the page came from, but I am in LOVE! The sexiest lips I’ve ever seen!
This was the article I needed as a college freshman!
It works when past freshman years, too.
I was trying to figure out whether the picture of the woman in green was appropriate for this article, since I was mentioning just before not to let it “all hang out.” LOL, I decided to leave it in at the end, partially because my hubby insisted I not take it out
and partially because the photo did not look cheap. It may be because she has a rather shy look on her face. When I Googled her name, I discovered that it’s because she actually is shy. She grew up in a religious home, and will not date guys in NYC because she says they are just expecting sex quick (she says that’s different from what she’s used to back in her country). She has been dating the same guy since her teen year. I thought, ha, I like her…she sort of reminds me of me, so now I have to leave her in lol. This is the interview I read: http://interracialintersection.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/Carla-Campbell.jpg
I admit that I need to work on being well put together and taking care of myself in general (i’m terrible about getting my beauty sleep and reducing stress)….anyway, the times that I do go out and I am looking nice and guys are looking my way….I get scared almost and literally freeze and I never make eye contact. I sometimes think that if I do, they’ll look away or i’ll look to discover they weren’t checking me out at all (has definitely happened before). I’ve found I don’t like having eyes just fixated on me no matter the motivation…I don’t know I just feel like I’m being put on the spot and I also feel like a piece of meat. I have endured and sometimes still endure very obvious nonverbal rejection from men as to my looks so I guess I just hate knowing that I’m being judged (whether positively or negatively) when eyes are on me. I also think it’s part of why I don’t go out looking as attractive as I can sometimes. I want to be seen as attractive but I don’t want to be gawked at and that is what men do.
On the other hand, there have been times when I’ve naturally started talking to a guy I find attractive and you know how there’s a point in a conversation or friendship with a guy where it’s obvious that you are both into each other? well, that’s when I become hyper aware of myself and I start to sweat and I suddenly get extremely nervous and act nothing like myself and this is for an extended period of time. I’ve lost the interest of guys in the past because of this…yeesh…
I know it’s something I need to work on badly. I’m 25 years old and I still shouldn’t be scared of men at this age. I’m so sorry to lay this all out on you…I didn’t really plan to! I would delete it but I’ve seen the amazing advice you have given in response to a myriad of situations so I know you’ll help. I know I got a long ways to go but I really don’t even know where to start!!
Hi ddf. It seems to me that you left out something very important. You left out the fact that you engage in constant negative self-talk. It’s because you harshly judge yourself in your mind that you believe that others may be judging and rejecting you in their minds as well.
Most people are focused on their own concerns most of the time. They’re wondering what others are thinking of them, or what they’ll have for lunch. Unless you look completely bizarre – i.e. your hair is blue or rainbow colored, you’re wearing underwear on your head, have body parts hanging out, or look like you left your house seconds after rolling out of bed – the world is not looking upon you in judgment. If people are looking at you more than at the average person, it’s because they find you beautiful or interesting to look at. You need to work on being more comfortable with yourself so that you can be comfortable around others. I think you have social anxiety, but that’s my opinion. Maybe guys are giving you “nonverbal rejection” – and maybe it’s all in your head. Maybe you need to learn to accept yourself.
There’s a reason why you’re afraid to let guys get close to you. There’s a reason you’re imagining they’re rejecting you, and find a way of sabotaging things every time you know that a guy is interested in you. You’re afraid that a person could not really like you for who you are, and will reject you once he gets to truly know you. You’re afraid the rejection will hurt deeper than you already are from whatever trauma you’ve experienced in the past that was unrelated to dating, so you just keep guys at arms-length.
As you’ve realized, just because a guy finds you attractive and checks you out, it doesn’t always necessarily mean he wants to date you. I’ve stolen extra, subtle glance at guys I felt were good-looking, but whom I was not interested dating. Not that there was necessarily anything wrong with them, but sometimes it was that I was not looking to date anyone at the time, or was already in a happy relationship, or just got the vibe that our personalities would be incompatible, or some other reason. With guys it isn’t different. People like to look at beautiful things and people. Once you overcome whatever is troubling you, you’ll learn to relax and take it as a compliment.
You need to write down qualities that you like about yourself and that those who are close to you have said they like about you, and read the list daily and any time you feel insecure, because you need to do a lot of work to build up your self-esteem.
Very informative article. Such simple advice when it comes down to it. My life consists of part timee work part time school and then home mostly due to lack of transportation. And other than net dating whove all ive met are creeps I never GO anywhere to meet a mate. Side comment these woman are gorgeous I actually picked out clothes that resemble these models and also the makeup. Ive also been more aware of how I present myself. Great article!
Great! That is my intention when I decorate my articles with beautiful black women.
Let me know how things go.
I just came across your blog and had say something. Velour, can you read guys minds? Your amazing.
I’m a married white male in my 40’s and I have to say your probably the first woman who’s got it so right.
I find women with these qualities so attractive, no matter what race.
I’ve always found women who are feminine, with a warm smile and a good sense of humor to be so appealing and beautiful. And it doesn’t have to be an intimate relationship. Of course I’m married so this isn’t an issue but I still like to be around them. Once again it doesn’t matter what race.
It’s flattering to a man when a woman flirts a little and coyly banters with you. Not too aggressively though.
It’s also true that it makes men feel good when a woman appreciates a gentleman who holds a door for her or helps her in some way.
I’ll let you in on a little secret about the men‘s club. We want to do things for you and love a woman’s attention. Simple but true.
Their’s other things that Velour has pointed out that are on the money but I won’t go into them now. lol
Go for girls.
P.S. at Christmas I saw and spoke to, in a family setting, one of the most beautiful women I’ve seen in a long time and she happened to be black. She was so feminine. Omg.
Thanks EBZ.
I’m glad you enjoyed the article and confirmed for the female portion of my audience that this is what a lot of guys like. Most guys like warm, feminine women who appreciate them and flirt a little.
Hello ddf and Velour,
I feel for you wholeheartedly ddf, and would just like to tell you something very real…
Do not keep speaking negative over yourself even in your thought process. NO! ESPECIALLY IN YOUR THOUGHTS! Your thoughts are made manifest so you must guard yourself against yourself.
It has been my experience that affirmations are helpful. In order for them to work, you must actively engage in affirming your worth (i.e. I am worthy); your beauty (i.e. I am beautiful); and your ability to succeed (i.e. I can do this). How long will it take for you to feel the difference? That depends on your level of trauma, pain and insecurity. You can cut the time in half by desiring your breakthrough more than you allow the negativity.
I am 37 years old and have made the mistake of verbally abusing myself my entire life (it’s what black most women do more than any other race because we are put down more than women from other races, considered by ones that do not even know our names to be lesser).
DO NOT BELIEVE THE LIE ANY LONGER! And stop associating with people that you know do not respect you or black women (real women) as a whole! JUST CUT THEM OFF…PERIOD! How do you know who to cut off?: They say things like – black women argue all the time, black women are never satisfied…they always have something negative to say about black women and these are usually black guys family and/or friend (won’t call them men).
Whenever you have a negative thought you should cancel it out by thinking something positive (no matter how hard it is you must push yourself). It is difficult at first but is has began to work for me. You must train your mind all over again!
Think about how long you have felt this way (I know it has been most of your life probably). Your mind has had a lot of time to create negative images that have been reinforced by negative media, and the ignorant ones around us, however, the power of the black woman is in her ability to not only survive but to overcome and conquer!
(Harriet Tubman, Madam CJ Walker or Sara Breedlove, Sorjouner Truth, Rosa Parks, Mary McLeod Bethune, Maggie Lena Walker, who founded St. Luke’s Penny Savings Bank in Richmond, Va., becoming the first female bank president, Rebecca Crumpler first black female doctor.)
The point is knowledge is power. Get to know who you are and what people like us have contributed because there is a great deal of greatness in you. The proof of our tenacity is in the fight we present in the face of oppression and negativity..we are (some of us) women of strength, grace and power!
Also, stay away from youtube unless you have a channel that you watch specifically because it is “open season” on black women that date outside of their race on there.
We must lick our wounds and find a “healing plan of action” and it starts with our mindset.
Don’t give the negative history, relationships and stereotypes the victory over your mind, you deserve better and there are little black girls everywhere looking to us (the older women) for guidance and strategies. How can we help them if we ourselves are in a broken state.
Get on fire about yourself! Sorry it was soo long.
I cannot say this for every white male, but for me, The first thing I look at and I find the most beautiful on a woman is her face. Her face has some of the most alluring parts i.e. Her eyes and her lips.