In a recent interview with Essence Magazine, white soul singer Robin Thicke, who has been married to actress Paula Patton for 18 years, was asked, “The media often tells black women that they’re better off dating white guys. What’s your response to that?”
Robin replied:
There are so many good black men out there that are hardworking, decent, and handsome, you know? To start that rumor is as bad as starting any other negative rumor. There are great black men out there. There are only a few good white men – trust me. (Laughs) Good luck finding a good white man who understands your journey. I only have three White friends. I’ve got 20 black male friends, who are all good men who take good care of their wives, and good care of their children. I know amazing black men.
During the same interview, Robin noted:
Paula is always saying during arguments, “Robin, no matter how hard you try, or how compassionate you are, you’ll never know what it’s like to be a Black woman.
I am a black woman and my husband is white. My husband is the only person in the world who I feel truly “gets me.” Being a type INTJ personality, I am hard to get to know, and harder to understand. I do not feel that my family knows and understands me as well as they should. Friends – regardless of color – have only been able to understand, relate to, and accept certain aspects of my personality or lifestyle, which at times can make these relationships seem somewhat superficial. Even when surrounded by people, it was possible to feel lonely, as no relationship was fulfilling. Once upon a time. My husband is the one I feel relates to me overall, as a whole person. He is the missing puzzle piece I had never searched for, yet found.
My biggest issues in the marriage are that my husband does not often stick to plans and promises. His biggest issues in the marriage are that I can be too perfectionistic and rigid.
Therefore, unlike Paula and Robin, it seems, my husband and I connected as one human to another. The major issues in our marriage have nothing to do with color.
Robin Thicke shows off his "bling"
I believe the reason that “blackness” is such an obstacle in Robin and Paula’s relationship is because they do not connect as one human to another.
Robin insists (in the quote above) that black men are generally better than most white men. He wears “bling” and says things like this (note the word I emphasize in the second sentence): “I like to try to get her into double-digit orgasms as much as possible. It doesn’t happen all the time, but when I’ve got my mojo and my swag, it happens.” I won’t say what I’m thinking – but you know what I’m thinking.
Meanwhile, Paula, who has a black father and white mother, once said:
I find [the term biracial] offensive. It’s a way for people to separate themselves from African Americans…a way of saying ‘I’m better than that.’
Paula finds it “offensive” for anyone to acknowledge the fact that she has one white parent and one black parent. By acknowledging this truth, by simply being herself, Paula feels she would somehow be saying she is “better than” black Americans.
People judged me because I was light-skinned. [They'd assume] I didn’t want to be part of the black race.
Paula obviously feels personal responsibility for the insecurities that some people experience upon discovering that she has one black parent and one white parent – even though their insecurities are illogical. “I am both black and white” does not automatically translate to, “I am better than black people.” Paula effectively pushes one parent into the background in order to ease others’ insecurities. In the video below, Paula seems uncomfortable and defensive when the interviewer inquires about her parents’ ethnic backgrounds.
Similarly, Paula seems uncomfortable with the whiteness of her baby with Robin. She hopes to see some blackness manifest soon in the features of her blond-haired, blue-eyed baby boy:
Ultimately, what you have in this marriage are spouses who cannot relate as one person to another, not because they are not the same color, but because both are too busy striving and competing to prove their “blackness,” and to understand or feel understood through a veil of “blackness.” (For a better understanding of what I am referring to, read my article, “Can Black Women In Interracial Relationships Stay Tied To Their Culture and Community?”)
Robin is hot and all, and his music is quite nice, but I personally would never date or marry a man – white, Asian or whatever – who emulated “swag” culture. For one thing, some such men are often just striving to impress their black male friends by showing off how “black” they are, and their black partners simply become part of their collection of proofs. Often, they take issue if they realize they are “blacker” than you or that you are not “black enough” – meaning, 
you don’t conform enough to the stereotypes of blackness. For another, many think that the way to understand and relate to their black partner or to other black people is by becoming as stereotypically “black” as possible, and having the “black experience,” which is quite condescending. I have never dated such men, but these were stories told by some women who have.
Robin should not attempt to speak for all or most relationships that can or do occur between black women and white men. You do not have to share the same color as your partner in order to connect to and relate to him or her, just as you do not need to share the same gender in order to connect. There is a deeper level, a human level. A person with an open-mind who seeks to relate to his partner as a human being will be able to empathize with the struggles she faces. Virtually ever person in this world knows how it feels to be misjudged or mistreated through no fault of his or her own. If they choose to, they can apply the feelings associated with these experiences, and multiply them as necessary. They can put themselves in their partners’ shoes. I am human, and my journey is as a human being. If you try to relate to me through a “black woman” filter, you will fail every time.
As for poor baby Julian, with his skin as white as lamb’s wool and his head full of the blood hair inherited from his paternal grandma, he will be very confused someday when his parents insist to him that he is “black” due to some slave rule. As I picture it, I am having trouble deciding whether to laugh or cry.
I am surprised that Robin Thicke would say something like this. He never has ever talked like this before-when it came to this topic.
I notice that, whether black or white, when a black male star or white male star associated with blacks in so me way gets a lot of fame-all of a sudden these weird “black women have to…” quotes come out. Ever noticed that? Lil wayne, Eddie murphy, wesley snipes, john mayer, wilt chamberlain, Common etc-now him.
I just am a little worried that these men are being pressured to say something not too positive about black women for a reason. Because no other race of man discusses no other race of woman in Hollywood. Its only men associated with black women in some way that are asked these racial questions. If he was dating an asian woman-these questions would probably NOT come up-despite the large amount of asian women ignoring asian men and dating/marrying white men.
Conspiracy may not be the word, but im not going to remain gullible to the fact that Hollywood likes to focus its negative attention mainly on black women in as many ways as it can. I am not giving any excuses, either, just cause he is white. I said the same thing with Lil Wayne after i noticed this strange pattern of “getting rich, bash black women first” thing going on.Its almost like its an initiation process?
And if it was happening with other races of women-it wouldnt bug me. But i notice its not. Only with black women. What is hollywoods obsession with black women? But then again, they know no one (especially not our own race of men) will protect us like other women are protected. So, of course it would be an infinite open season on black women. Like Malcolm X once said, “the black woman is the least protected person in this country…” Try WORLD! And those in power know that. There is something special about black women that so many people in power spend time trying to destroy us or make us look bad to others; keep us with black men and blame us for black men straying. Something very strange is going on and I think black women need to start realizing this. There is NO coincidence to these comments stars continue to randomly make (and be asked) about black women.
*wouldnt bug me AS MUCH.*
I wondered the same thing. I think it is just as you said, that people know that black women are sitting ducks. To attack black people as a whole or to attack black men is racism; to attack women in general is sexism; to attack black women is nothing. Typically, the only people who have a problem and speak out when black women are mistreated are black women.
I think the most valuable asset anyone can have is to know someone who truly gets you. I have a large family, friends have come and gone, lovers have departed…only one truly ‘got me’.
Hi Velour
Robin is just as confused as his wife. Nothing irks me more than a wm trying to be “black” or ‘swaggerific”.
Like many wm with black friends, Robin is just trying to be down with the “brothas”, because he is now “black by association”. I truly hope those comments were for show, to be politically correct. Nonetheless, I doubt anyone will take his stance to heart, when it is so clear that Robin is just another Hollywood chameleon, trying to fit in with the masses.
I watched an interview Paula did with Queen loudmouth Wendy Williams, in which Paula, made it her business to continuously joke about her son’s complexion, ” I hope he gets some color soon”.Talk about conflicted! I truly hope she doesn’t ‘joke” like that around the baby. I love it when women like Patton, Keys and Kimora “joke’ about their “blackness” or lack thereof. It sad that they feel the need to assure us that they are down, they are extra black lol….when we truly couldn’t care less!
S/N— I get a knot in my stomach when I here Robin, Timberlake and Eminem put in the category of “black by association” or black due to “swag”. What the hell is “swag” anyway?
I find Robin and Paula somewhat irritating, though I don’t exactly dislike them. They should just “be,” rather than try to prove that they are “down with the black folks.” I think this is why they have so many issues in their relationship…it seems to amount to a “blacker than thou” competition, which interferes.
LOL, when you find out what “swag” is, let me know, because I’ve been trying to figure it out for the longest, and still don’t quite get it. =/
I have to disagree. I don’t think of Robin as emulating ‘swag’ culture. Robin’s music is geniunely representative of his passion for soulful music. I remember when he was long haired and dusty, still pumping out soulful music. Sure he was reinvented. But was this of his doing? or management in order to commercialize him?
I think a biracial person such as Paula comes to the stage with a completely different perspective of being black. She is a woman who has been created in love but ridiculed out of hatred. America and this Anglo-Centric world has forced her to choose.
Robin doesn’t know what it is like to be a woman period! You add black, biracial, to the mixture that adds more drama. Your husband, no matter how much he gets you Velour will never know what is like to be a woman or a black woman. Indeed…he connects with you on a humanistic level. That should be the way we all connect.
Unfortunately, Paula has a plight. She loves beyond color. She chose to love a man who happened to be white. If she was bent on the issues of color mixing, she would have avoided babies with him or him altogether. She would have sought a darker complexion man. She would have unlikely sought a white, light hair, blue-eyed man who could naturally confuse the color wheel even more.
Light-skin in America is a plight within itself. People do not choose their complexion, unless they chemically alter it. My mother was a half-Creole on father’s side. Her mother was a very very dark woman. Her father was biracial. He grew up somewhat priviledged. He was served with opportunities few could express positively. My mother was surrounded by darker people after her parents divorce. She hated her light-skin, strawberry blond hair, and sought to reinvent herself, hate everything about herself so she could feel more akin to her darker half siblings, born after her.
All of her life she referred to herself as dark. When my mother died her complexion was still lighter than my own and I’m a medium brown. So yes, I do get the notion of why Paula has issues with color, considering if you add the fact that her father was absent from her life.
I do believe that they connect on a human level. I cannot imagine how they’d be together since teenagers unless they did. I think at times we get too caught up on people being God and all-knowing and miss out on the fact that you can be with someone without them knowing ever fiber of your being.
Paula did say he was compassionate, thus understanding. That tells me he empathizes with her and the plight spoken from Weezy and his other compadres. I highly doubt his black friends believe he ‘gets them’ as well. They connect humanistically, with commonly shared interests.
I wouldn’t wonder about Robin if he was just doing soul music. It’s the soul music combined with such things as “bling,” talk of “swag,” and bragging and drooling over his black male friends that has me wondering, LOL. He is imitating a culture. What would you think if I, a black woman, publicly said that most black women are not so great, and I prefer to be around white women? If I publicly warned men not to get involved with black women because I know “so many great white women”? Are you kidding? LOL. Robin has something to prove.
“Imitating swag culture” was the most delicate substitute I could think of for “somewhat wiggerish” LOL. It was hard not to express my thoughts without typing that.
You do see that he put black American women down while putting black men on a pedestal, don’t you? Click the link to the Essence article and read the full quote. Apparently, the so many black men he knows in the country would be just perfect if their women would take care of them more…LOL? I personally fail to see the difference between his statements and the statements that black American males on YouTube and some other websites say or write. He apparently does not see black women good enough to deserve all of those great black men, nor does he consider most white men good enough to be in black men’s presence, either. Amusing.
I understand what led to issues like Paula’s – but that does not change the fact that she does, in fact, have issues and is suffering within, and needs to get help. This is especially true now that she has a child far whiter than she. How sad it is that she keeps going on various talk shows and publicly wishing for some blackness to come into her baby’s features. What if he never stops being blond with blue eyes? He will know that he disappointed his mother. He will feel his mother could never love and accept him as he is. He will be messed up for life.
Just imagine the outcry from the “black community” (or, well, from the women in it) if a white mother of a biracial newborn went on TV constantly discussing her hopes that the whiteness would come out in her baby’s features. How sad that this is the only thing Paula could find to say about her newborn, rather than the first moment she held him or heard him giggle (or whatever). If Paula and Halle (who is no different) wanted black babies, they should have had children with black men, or picked a black donor at a sperm bank. They are going to give their blond kids complexes. Halle’s child will never look black, and Paula’s baby will always look lily-white, even if the hair darkens slightly. They will need to come to terms with that for the sake of their children.
For the record, I have never felt that my guy has trouble understanding any experience I have had, even discriminatory ones. I tried to recall a time, but honestly can’t. I personally don’t think that Paula and Robin operate with even themselves, much less one another, on the human level…but that is just my opinion.
You hit the nail on the the head. They both have issues, and her issues will be so damaging in the long run because she wants her child to choose one or the other and living up to a standard that has been set out of self-hate.
And he is just an idiot. His script must have been written when he sold his soul to get some… I hate that this is the representation of interracial relationships that most will see.
My white husband gets me! He may not know what it is like to be a black women, but I don’t know what it is like to be a white or a black man. AND? What’s the freaking point of that statement? You marry the person who gets you- period. Like you my husband knows what motivates me, what moves me, what hurts me, what I am passionate about– etc. And he sees how the world treats black women. He may not understand it but he acknowledges that we are treated horribly and he understands why I do that work that I do in my community….
Robin needs to stick to singing and leave the intellectual stuff to those who are not putting on aires.
Kristina Brooke recently posted..The Fight for Troy Davis; a Fight for the Soul of the US
Exactly.
Thanks for writing this post Velour!
I was shocked when I read that Robin Thicke said these things. I am, however, suspicious that he never said these things at all, or that his words were twisted. They seem to be the opposite of statements he has made in the past about IRR and Black women. The blog (Madame Noir) I saw the quotes on made it seem that he had been interviewed by the writer of MN. And I think most BW know Essence Magazine went to hell in a hand basket a long time ago, due to their efforts to appease BM who resented that there was a successful Black owned magazine for BW.
If RT actually did make the statements attributed to him, it was probably to appease the “brothas” he hangs out with, as well as those the magazine wishes to please. I can’t think of any other reason why a WM would insult other WM, his own relationship and even his wife.
It’s a shame, but I think the hypocrisy inherent in people who are ethnically insecure (in America) make it necessary for “bi-racial/multi-racial” people who are part Black to reassure AA Blacks by publicly disassociating from their non-Black parent, even in cases where that non-Black parent was their ONLY parent growing up. It’s sick and illogical, but there are so many AA like this, if a celebrity (whose part Black) wants a career they have to play to that insecurity, or else do what Vin Diesel has done and never tell anyone what your ethnic makeup is. (That was very wise on his part.)
Look at the flack Tiger Woods got, and is still getting, for saying that when he was a CHILD he labeled himself Cablasion because of all the people who made him feel like an ethnic outsider when he was growing up.
Paula and Halle’s remarks about their children are very sad and disappointing, and reminds me of something that I haven’t thought about in a long time. When I was a kid, I knew a mixed-ethnicity woman who gave her baby up for adoption because she didn’t feel her son looked “Black enough”. Even as a kid, I knew this woman was nuts. She had 3 kids with a different man or men, but kept them because they had passed whatever the opposite of the paper bag test is.
As an adult, I look back on that woman and what she did and her reason why, and I am torn. On the one hand, that kid was probably better off without her — she probably would have made him hate himself, but on the other, she was his mother and couldn’t bring herself to love him because he didn’t have enough melanin in his skin.
Btw, this woman was very light skinned herself, but always wore her naturally wavy, dyed black hair in braids so people didn’t “accuse” her of being White or Hispanic. From her looks, if you didn’t know that she was part Black you never would have guessed it.
I haven’t actually seen his past comments about interracial relationships. I only saw this article because someone mentioned it on Twitter.
Still, from the little I know of him, it does seem self-contradictory. I saw two of his music videos, and he has a lot of sexual scenes with black women. He must know that at least some of his female fans fantasize about him. It would be very foolish of him to end these fantasies by telling them black men are better, and also degrade them in the process, thereby cutting off his source of income and fame. It doesn’t make sense that he would encourage black women to stick with black men only when he admitted that he never felt the need to date a white woman and never would do so. The thing is, he probably would have spoken up if he hadn’t said these things. All I can imagine is that he was high during this interview (I found out he uses drugs), LOL, and Essence fed him these answers.
That woman you wrote about…it’s just a shame. I never knew people existed who would take it to such an extent. Usually, you only hear of the reverse, the shame of blackness. What about the shame of whiteness if the child is part white? Some of these odd people with biracial kids are going overboard when attempting to create “black pride” in their children, and instead creating complexes by making them feel ashamed of acknowledging their white (or non-black) side. A healthy, well-adjusted child is one who can embrace him or herself as one whole, integrated being – not just parts of self.
The thing is that not only are those black people who do this hurting biracial people by bullying them until they cop-out and identify with the black label – but they are hurting themselves. When everyone and anyone can become “black” just due to feeling like a social outcast, think a drop of black blood spoils the purity of their whiteness, or would be classified as slaves or Jim Crow untouchables, it just keeps “black” a negative label that brands people as inferiors. Those black people need to learn some pride, and the biracial people who don’t need to learn to stand on their own two feet, also with pride. Any individual who feels inferior should get therapy, rather than claiming that “black” is or should be synonym for racially impure, social outcast, slave. “Black” should not be merely a crutch for people’s inferiority complexes. If “black” is just that, then it shouldn’t also be a “race” too. It should be one or the other…because I’m not taking all the garbage that some try to force on me by use of this term. If Paula is “black” just because she’s a “polluted form of whiteness,” then I’m not black, because I don’t have the low self-esteem to think of myself this way. If “black” means “of African descent,” then I accept the term.
! don’t even get how this works.
I guess being good-looking, rich, famous, and double-digit orgasms (excuse me for some skepticism on that one) helps.
LOL, the whole thing is pretty weird.
I find it crazy that Robin thinks he can speak for black women. What? I am a black woman. I have a white husband, and we have mixed children. They will be told that they are black, irish, indian, swedish, etc. I am not going to make them claim black…I mean isn’t that offensive to their father? whats the big deal?
Paula has some issues. She was teased cause she was light skinned. So what. I was teased cause i was brown skinned, and was called four eyes cause I wore glasses. I was a child, the people teasing me were children. Its all good. I dated black men, mexican, white. It just so happened that the man for me was white. Why does Robin need to encourage black women to go black…lol… I guess. He seems a little full of it.
I’ll pray for their beautiful baby! I can say honestly that sometime other people make me feel insecure when they comment on how light my children are, or that they have good hair. Or that they thought they would be darker…those comments are ignorant, and I try to nicely tell them so. Some people just dont realize what they are saying sometimes.
MzHotChocolate, I agree with you. I think it’s wrong to make a child feel as if they must choose a part of themselves, as if there is something shameful about it. I’m definitely going to teach my children to identify with both my culture and their father’s.
I was teased, too…for not listening to the right music, wearing the right sneakers (Nikes were in) and jeans (I believe Jordache), reading constantly, getting good grades, being “nerdy,” being “too good,” not cursing…LOL, a lot Junior High foolishness. As a silly child, I conformed to the other silly children and listened to the gangsta (c)rap (the Lox, Notorious BIG and Foxy Brown etc.) and R&B music and wore the right sneaker brand…until later in high school when I grew up and wanted to establish my own identity. As an adult, I don’t identify myself based on what bullies and other ignorant folks thought or think of me or who they decide I am or should be.
Those people making comments about your children’s skin tone and hair texture and what color they thought they should be are foolish and inappropriate. They’re implicitly telling children that certain features make them better, and then are surprised if some are raised to think they’re better. Then once the biracial person is grown, they act like it’s their responsibility to prove they don’t think they’re better. Hmm. =/ I can see why you would try to avoid such individuals, or at least correct them so they don’t repeat it. Why can’t people just appreciate the beauty of children as children? What a shame.
Well stated Velour, you are ladylike at all times as for myself I have some choice thoughts about Robin, not fit for this sweet page…okay, I’ll say this…I don’t think he was sober during that interview! Tired of men like him putting down BW while creating myths about BM. I will continue to ignore his “art”… and lastly how the heck have they lasted 18 years together (open relationship, perhaps?)??
Hi Happy Dark Girls!
I would tell you to go ahead and share your thoughts – but if people are hurt over what I wrote when I tread this lightly, I would hate to see how the claws would come out if you were blunt.
I have the hunch Robin Thicke is being influenced by all those black male friends when he says stuff like this. I take particular offense to his “only a few good white men out there”—like a dude who spends so much of his time with black people would know what most white guys are like!
Robin, a white man married to a woman he considers simply black, completely threw black women and white men under the bus in order to stroke the egos of his black male friends. He had not a single good word to say about black women, yet only praise for black men.
As his point goes…Robin’s statements make him uniformed on the grand scale. Most of my friends are black men as well, including the men in my family who I truly get. The ones who vehemently bad mouth any woman or take advantage of a woman’s loose baggage get no respect from me.
Men don’t understand what it is like to be women, unless they are gay. And the jury still rules against it.
But I refute any statement that suggests he’s trying to be black when clearly he has been quoted as saying he hates that his music is boxed and that he’s referred as ‘blue-eyed soul’. YMV. I grew up listening to far more soul-stirring white artists who made crossover success with black artists in tow.
Is Gloria Loring (his mom) trying to be black since she cut a hit with Carl Anderson back in the mid-80′s?
To say most white men aren’t that good, perhaps he is again speaking about his personal experiences. You have to accept that there is a world out there Velour, a conservative racist white America that some white men hate, but are too fearful of isolation so they lower their head, uplift the cause, and keep their mouths shut.
Not all white men think highly of women, period!
As a black woman I cannot think that I am the authority of black women, but I can share my experiences and make an inference based on that experience.
I believe Robin is speaking on his personal experiences. I suggest that since he isn’t an author, lecturer, or professional in Black Women’s Studies his comments shouldn’t scratch us as prolific. I refute him or any male, white or black as knowing what it must be like to be me. He can empathize with me. I don’t even think I could be attracted to a man who is walking in my lightness. I don’t want a man to polish my toes and cry with me while viewing the sensitive parts in the movie.
I want an Alpha. I don’t need him to feel me all of the time just hear me when I call (get me). I want him fierce, hard, and ready to whip a mutha’s tail for even thinking about disrespecting me.
I think that is what Paula has in her husband. They adore each other. They support each other. They’ve both spoke about it. She helped him with her ‘free ad’ service and he paid for her to attend acting school.
They may not always get each other, but both have spoken opinions based on their life.
I hardly see what is offensive about his wife’s orgasms, which he ignites. At least he is speaking about his intent to please his woman, wheareas a lot of men, white or otherwise think they should just ‘show up’. Poll women who have abstained from sex with their spouses. They’ll correct me if I’m wrong entirely.
My point, is that he connects with his wife, she connects with him. This journey called life is where we hope to learn and understand the people we love. If we knew all there was to know, that would make people less interesting.
Robin argues that white men aren’t good partners for black women because most “can’t understand your journey as a black woman.” As if every black man could understand. There is no “black women’s journey,” anyway. Every black woman does not have the same journey. Just being a black woman does not make me any more able to understand what all or most other black women experience. There are a lot of black women who experience poverty and single-parent homes, for example, which may significantly impact their lives and relationships if they don’t take care. I’m unable to relate to that experience. The only experience I can say that I have in common with a lot of black women is that we are often negatively stereotyped by people and in the media, which can be very exhausting and aggravating. Other than that, we are all pretty much individuals, just like anyone else.
Where did I write that all white men are good or think of highly of women? No offense intended, but this is far from a newsflash…I believe I’ve written over and over on this site that men are individuals and should be taken as such (Robin’s “journey as a black woman” statement does not treat black women as individuals). The same statement can be made of men of any color.
I’m willing to discuss points I made, but not points I did not make that are being falsely ascribed to me in order to win a debate. =/ That is not cool.
In the article, I didn’t mention his music as the reason why I think he’s trying to be a part of swag culture. In the comment I later wrote in reply to you, I specifically said I was not so much referring to his music.
I did quote two sentences from Robin in which he mentioned orgasms, but the reason I quoted it was NOT to point out his mention of orgasms (nor did I discuss orgasms at any point in the article). If you look immediately before the quote, it specifically states that I was referring to the word I emphasized, “swag.”
You’re really not reading and considering what I type, which makes it pointless for me to continue typing to you.
I am willing to discuss points I made, but not points I did not make. If you’re twisting my words because you’re intent to defend Robin or Robin and Paula at any cost, or because you have some other agenda irrelevant to this exchange, then the discussion is pointless. Once you’ve read, considered and would like to respond to what I actually wrote, as I have respectfully done with your lengthy comments, then we can discuss it. Otherwise, let’s not bother.
I’m so sorry to be this way but…paula is mixed…this is not a bad thing but, she doesn’t really know what it feels like down to the core. its like she has to prove her blackness, and not only to be black but black AND different, and not fitting in anywhere. Robin also has no idea what he is saying. his heart is in the right place BUT has he done his research? has he SEEN how a good percentage of black men CAN be? and being biracial is not offensive lol the only way one can find it offensive is if again someone made you feel like you HAD to prove your “blackness” to them. IF your going to be semi ashamed of any part of who you are then; why even get into a interracial relationship? they BOTH make no sense. thanks for trying though..i guess. she has some acceptance to do. SMH.
Hey Mimi. Well, if there are 2 million more black women than men, and most black people who are dating and marrying interracially are men, you would think it would be more crucial that the men get the message lol. I wonder if Robin is saying this to his black male friends: “I think that’s ridiculous. There are so many good black women out there that are hardworking, decent, and beautiful, you know? There are only a few good white women–trust me. I know plenty of black women who take good care of their husbands, and good care of their children Maybe the men have to take better care of their women. Maybe you’re being too stubborn. Maybe you’re not saying you’re sorry”…etc.
That would actually be true and make a heck of a lot more sense than what was attributed to RT. Lol.
I co-sign LOL.
hahaha i think robin wants to be “down” because half of his male friends are black. and if he were to say that to me i would laugh out loud with a blunt “HA!” and walked out the room.
Either way, I think the media needs to leave black women alone completely. First they say we are the most unattracive (LMAO), then they say to date outside the race, now they are saying that white men won’t understand you. I don’t recall …asking for advice from folks who’s perspectives aren’t the same or similar to mine. The excuse of not enough black men being available is BS. Some of us date non-black men because that is what we PREFER. I don’t know any other way that we can make it clear to these fools working for the media. Sorry for my rant.
I agree Mari. I’m tired of people ordering around grown women on how to live our lives. =/ I think that the media, these celebrities like Robin, Steve Harvey, Sherry, etc. – even that Banks dude who wrote that book – should all butt out, LOL. I find them all annoying, whether they are saying to “wait for black love” as Essence does, or “black men are no good/running out, so get a white man” as these TV specials of late. I feel bad for the individuals who are the target audience – but they aren’t representative of all black women. Sigh. Not all black women are desperately wringing our hands in the wait for a marriageable black guy. A book, magazine, TV special, statistics, or a belief that there are no good black men did not determine what color I dated. Typically, I was attracted to white and East Asian men…thus, I have only dated interracially.
Also, I don’t know why hysterical and angry women came onto my site insisting that I’m “just mad that Robin said there are good black men.” It takes seconds to realize that my site is not predicated on the notion that there are “no good black men,” and that this has never been my motivation for marrying interracially, either. Black men don’t have to be “running out” or no good just for a black woman to date a man of any color she pleases. People just have that freedom to choose their life partners, and don’t have to justify. If a person is unsure, they should read and find out, rather than embarrass themselves with unfounded assumptions. Some of these people don’t date interracially and aren’t even considering it; they have “black love” sites or spend most of their personal time around black men. They need to realize that just because they think the sun rises and sets on black men, it doesn’t mean that every other black woman is equally obsessed, whether negatively or positively, with black men. They just can’t believe that a black woman could want anything other than a black man unless she was pushed by the media, stats, or motivated by hate. This is why they obsessively search for “proof” that I “hate black men and want to see them fail” (actual statement some nuts make). Some who’ve never posted only swooped in to boast smugly that someone complimented black men, thinking they were somehow mocking me LOL. They feel insecure in their interest in black men for some reason, and this is why they need to know what’s going on on this site, which should be irrelevant to them. Why are they on interracial rather than on “black love” sites? I guess they feel envy that we have the ability to date and marry men we want, while they are obligated to share men with other women, and even consider formal polygamy. They look in, wishing they could live this type of life. How sad. Some books and media messages are meant to “save” such individuals, but they’re wasting their time telling grown women who consciously decided to die waiting for black men to make some other choice. All this is doing is making other black women look bad.
I think folks are reading too much into what he is saying and putting their own spin on his words.
The man was responding to the cry that there are no good black men left and that black women SHOULD date white guys instead. All he is saying is that there are a lot of great black men out there, and that a black woman should not automatically assume that because someone is white that they are better. That’s what he is REALLY saying. But you guys are twisting his words around to mean something else.
Secondly, I agree with Paula. Every single African American person in this country has a bloodline that includes White folks. Whether it is the most recent generation or a great great grandparent, the bottom line is that every single one of us “African Americans” is biracial, tri racial, quadracial, etc. All of us. So what difference does it make if one of your parents is white? You sure aren’t a white person, now are you?
And most White babies are born with blonde hair and light eyes. As they mature, their hair darkens. I’ve seen it many many times. Between 5-8 years old (sometimes sooner), their hair changes and becomes its true darker color.
Lastly, even when couples are the same race, most women complain that their husband doesn’t understand them. So Paula complaining of that fact will most likely be her complaint if dude was Black as an Ace of Spades! Men just do not get how women think, feel, react, emote – nothing. In general, there are of course a few exceptions.
When a white guy refers to his “swag” he means he puts his James Bond on. Black men are not the only men with swag now ladies, come on! And Black people do not hold the patent on use of the word. He was merely referring to the fact that he gets smooth, romantic, masculine, and take charge in the bedroom. All women love that! And doing it doesn’t mean he is trying to “be black.” sheesh.
Robin could have simply said that there are good black men and bad black men, and that no grown woman needs to be told who to date, since people are free to date whom they please (if a woman is not smart enough to ever choose well, she has no business dating yet to begin with…). He didn’t need to imply that women are at fault for the way grown men may choose to behave.
I don’t even know what “swag” means…but I find the men who speak of possessing this quality to be quite repulsive. Not my cup of tea. I’ll take a pass on Robin and whomever else is “swaggalicious.”
As I’ve said previously, I can’t tell black Americans what to call themselves, since much of their mixture was from slavery and they are probably not eager to recognize it for that reason…but to say that a drop of black blood contaminates the purity and whiteness of a person is very disgusting. That is what the one drop rule means, and essentially what people are saying if they claim that Paula’s white baby is black. This is a concept that was used to uphold slavery and racism, and I’m shocked and disappointed that black Americans (most) are the biggest supporters of this concept today.
So the one drop of black blood dirties you and gets you tossed into the black pile, while whiteness is pure. That is what slave massa meant when creating the one-drop rule.
When I think of black, I think of the ethnicity of people of African descent and American slave ancestry in the U.S. “Black” is really the synonym for this. Look at the title of this video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fmQN8eMeKBw – most black men in the world do not speak like that. They really mean “Black American” guys, but they don’t say it because they know it’s a synonym. This is the way “black” is typically used. I don’t include myself when I say “black Americans.” I consider myself an American woman of Caribbean heritage and mainly African ancestry. People in other countries quite rarely consider themselves black. They tend to refer to their skin tone, (as people would to hair color) or call themselves of “Afro-” or “or African descent” or celebrate all of their heritages.
The thing about what Robin says – warning black women that it may not be a good idea to date white men because they may not understand “your journey as a black woman” – is that the statement seems to rule out the fact that people can connect on a deeper basis. Of course no one will know what it feels like exactly to be in another person’s shoes and see the world through their eyes. If Robin is right, then we should all date and marry within the same sex, color, class, etc. I should have married a black woman instead.
Black women are just women. My husband and I can sometimes have trouble communicating when he does not share his thoughts or feelings. Yet, I don’t get the idea that this is what Paula means. I believe she’s referring mainly to struggles as a black woman, especially given Robin’s interpretation. Robin has ideas about what defines life as a black woman. He believes it’s impossible for black women to connect or want to connect with someone who does not share this “journey.”
The issue regarding race labeling in THIS country is a provocative one that draws more from a person’s individual perspective than anything concrete or definitive.
Thank you, Deborrah! I understand EXACTLY where you are coming from. Two of my siblings were born with blonde hair/blue eyes. I was born with auburn-colored hair and green eyes. I’m black. I’m mixed like 95% of most black people.
My point has always been that the labeling by race in the U.S. is far more political than anything that has to do with genetics. The fact that Barbara Walters asked Barack during an interview if he considers himself “black” or “biracial” speaks volumes. He smelled that rat and I did too. I wish we can get to a place in this country where we can consider ourselves simply “Americans” but that’s a looooong ways coming. There are too many institutions and people invested in the concept of “race”.
I don’t get why you’d laugh or cry. I think many biracial people deal with acceptance of who they are and who they should identify with.
That’s something they go through. She came to that in her own way and her black culture is important to her, apparently. I don’t see nothing wrong with that.
No one gets on Vin Diesel for not claiming to be black or even Rashida Jones when she plays an Italian character instead of a biracial one. This is a part of them, that I think, they come to on their own and as a person that doesn’t know what that’s like, I can only be in awe.
I can’t judge or criticize. I can see she means no harm but wants to encourage a view that mixed is not better than black. I wonder how will I let my child, no matter their race, know that black is beautiful. I have mixtures in my family as do many black Americans. We identify with a different idea of blackness from person to person, and sometimes group to group.
I like that she carved out a meaning and made it her own. She has that right, as do anyone. She involved others in an attempt to help them feel better and to diminish an assumption and sometimes true feeling. What did she do wrong?
She found herself. She found meaning in her biracial being. She finds both heritages important, but wants to let one side of herself know that she is not better because she belongs to another as well.
I find what you said a bit cruel and judgemental. You don’t know what she’s going through or how she reached that way of thinking about HERSELF.
I see that most biracial Americans have a lot of issues. This is not “something they go through.” I have biracial relatives and close family friends, and they don’t carry on with this, even the ones born and raised or living in the U.S. They aren’t constantly obsessing over this issue, constantly trying to figure out who they are, or constantly declaring, “I am black”/”I am biracial,”/”I am Blasian”/”I am white”/”I am Puerto Rican”/”I am Asian.” They just go on with their lives.
I am not blaming Paula. As Paula expressed, there are some people taunting her about not being black enough or not wanting to be black. This, and slavery, is why she feels the need to constantly defend her blackness rather than just living her life and being who she is. Paula didn’t ask for these experiences…but I hope she overcomes for the sake of her son. I believe Paula will traumatize her child by concentrating on his color, rather than on the fact that he’s her baby, her son. She should be taking joy in the precious moments she has that only come across once in a lifetime, rather than obsessing over when the boy will get blacker. =/ She does not need to explain to anyone that she “doesn’t feel she’s better than black people.” Some black men accuse me of thinking white men or men who aren’t black are better…I don’t take that on as my issue. Paula is not their psychologist, and does not need to try to validate others at her own expense.
On the contrary…I went easy on Robin and Paula.
This is far from cruelty or judgmentalism. If you find my thoughts and opinions that upsetting, it may be advisable to read some other site that is more palatable to your taste. Thanks for commenting.
Nicolea returned with personal attacks. Or shall I say, more personal attacks, since she called me “judgmental” before, rather than simply focusing on the points I made. She also threatened to send her friends to this site to bully me. LOL…what is this, kindergarten?? How cowardly and childish to name-call and sic friends on me simply because I don’t share your viewpoint. Forewarned is forearmed…the waste bin is ready and waiting for trollish comments from new visitors who drop by at random.
I don’t cave in to bullying. Actually, I had an urge to write worse about Robin just to taunt the crybaby portion of this fan base. I’ll not be juvenile, though…or at least I’ll try really hard.
Another furious, hysterical woman ranted that I “think I’m better” because I’m of Caribbean heritage (sort of the way Paula “thinks she’s better” because she has a white parent and is light-skinned…projecting, lol). She said she “thought you were different and better than other interracial bloggers,” but that I’d proven her wrong by “bashing Robin just because he complimented black men.” That is not what my article says…
Go get some mental treatment. I am under no obligation to meet anyone’s expectations or prove to anyone that I’m different or better than someone. I simply write what I feel and think on a site that I pay for. I am not a hysterical woman and don’t relate to or have patience for these. I trashed her comment without reading one paragraph of the multi-paragraph rant. I also deleted some other comment I’d initially replied to but that was full of distortions and mockery. As far as I’m concerned, you can unsubscribe and “unlike” the site.
This is why I dislike fan bases, and will only be a fan of a person’s art but never of the person. Fans are blind followers, cult-like, childish, brain-dead – stamping feet and throwing tantrums when someone dares utter a word of criticism against some celebrity or other. There is NO celebrity that I go gaga over. I have no patience when celebrities are featured as top new stories, distracting from real news. Interest in national and international events decline as an unfortunate number of Americans focus instead on what some celebrity bimbo is wearing, naming her baby, flashing under her skirt, or who some guy’s new mistress or fifth wife is. The country, the world, is being destroyed by leaders while no one notices. Celebrities are just people. They should focus on their art, which is what they’re famous for. I don’t much care who is or is not a fan of Robin’s; your fandom may be relevant to you but has nothing to do with me.
The funny thing is that Robin insulted women like YOU, and yet SOME (not ALL) of the women he’s bashing are furious at ME for speaking out. Robin’s swaggalicious male pals aren’t of my culture, so it follows that the women he’s referring to aren’t, either. Also, there’s only one culture of black women being told by the media to “get a white man because black men are running out/no good.” So what are you attacking me for? Geesh. =/
LOL well, she should have just stayed away from your blog. My goodness! Moving along…….
I think that Thicke’s comment is nothing more than his own opinion, and not him trying to speak for a whole group of people. I see it the way you guys saw it–I saw him trying to debunk that myth that black men are all bad. He doesn’t see it that way, because he has experienced otherwise in his daily life. I also understand where Patton is coming from–she still sees herself as Black–because in the end, most blk folks in America are ethnically mixed. I am ethnically mixed, however, I just say I’m black–because that’s how I identify. Should we all list every single thing we are mixed with just because it’s PC to do so? I know I have white and other races in me, but culturally I am black and that is also how society views me. I don’t think there is anything wrong with calling myself Black vs. multi racial. I think when you say multi-or bi-racial in the black community, it is redundant and unnecessary. Most of us are “mixed”…My boyfriend/future husband is white, and I always let him know–if we ever have kids, he is going to experience something different, since his children will be black–regardless of how mixed they are, they are still black, and he will have to learn how to deal with the pressures they will feel socially and emotionally regarding that. It’s not a bad thing–it’s just reality. If we have kids, they will be black kids who have a white father and he’s going to be confronted with social issues he has never had to face vicariously through them. That’s a reality that you must understand and admit to. Also–I think it’s a bit judgmental to say that these two individuals don’t connect on a human level, just because racial differences are something that they don’t see eye to eye on. They’ve been together for 20 years, so obviously they connect on more of a human level than most people who get married, b/c most people don’t last that long in marriage. They were just telling about their experiences and perspectives regarding this one issue. I am sure there are a 1000 other issues they do find common ground. Race could be one of many issues that they must navigate through in life. It obviously hasn’t been a big issues, otherwise they would not be together. For instance, you said your hubby doesn’t stick to plans and promises, whereas my fiance and I are totally in sync on that level. Is it that you and your husband are not connected on the same level as we are, or is it that you two have issues that you are resolving as a result of two different individuals being together and seeing/doing things in different ways? I think they are a great couple, and it’s obvious that beauty, talent, brains, and love are what these two have in common–and that’s all that matters in the end.
It is Robin, not I, who uses racial issues (“journey as a black woman”) to warn black women away from dating white men. He makes it the ultimate issue, the make or break reason as to why black women may want to reconsider. He gives what Paula said as an example of how most white men “won’t understand” black women. It’s clearly a major thing for Robin…he seems to see it as the biggest problem in the marriage for Paula, if he’s warning black women away from experiencing the same. If he saw any other way for them to connect, I don’t see why he’s warning black women away from white men for just this precise reason.
My point in mentioning my guy and I was to say that our problems are due to differences in personality. Being a perfectionist and taking certain things seriously is a part of my personality, and being more casual about certain things (when he doesn’t understand that I’ve made plans that depend on it) is his. A “black woman’s journey” or color is not separating us.
Identifying with all parents is what is not PC. Paula, as she notes, is pressured to identify as black, not “mixed.” She was told she wasn’t black enough, thought she was better than black people, and wanted to escape being black. She felt she needed to be “blacker than thou” and shout it the loudest in order to prove something, and to make insecure individuals feel good. As I wrote, I have a lot of biracial people amongst relatives and family friends (mixed with white, Chinese or Puerto Rican) raised here and abroad – yet none go about listing ethnic groups, nor tend to experience such angst and confusion over who they are. In Caribbean and Latin American countries, people do tend to embrace their multiracial heritages, though you express it as if it’s unheard of or so complex.
What does “culturally I am black” mean? How does one’s culture make one black? Or is is that you believe there is only one black culture? Or maybe it’s just as I was saying above…”black” really means the ethnic group of people descended from American slavery, also known as “African-Americans.”
As I wrote in , I wouldn’t tell my children that because someone mistreats them, it marks them as “black.” That is like saying that if someone bullies you, it marks YOU for life, when those who mistreat are the ones who did wrong and deserve to be marked. I also wouldn’t tell my children that they are “black” due to a one-drop rule from slavery. There is no way to explain to young children why they must identify with only one loving parent and side of the family that does not seem to mark them as inferior and give them complexes.
If “black” is a “race,” then it should just be a race, rather than a mark of victimhood or rejection. No wonder “black pride” continues to be an oxymoron, if “black” just means “rejected by white people” or “slave massa said one drop of black blood makes you impure,” or “slave massa said white means purity, and you’re contaminated by black blood.” I feel bad for people like Paula and their children…though I’m glad that my children will be raised to think for themselves, rather than self-identify by what some dead slave massa or living ignorant black and white people tell them they are.
I find both you and Nicolea judgmental toward me for the nerve to have a different opinion and express it.
I did not tell Paula how to self-identify. I analyzed how I believe that Paula and Robin’s view of blackness and how blackness relates to themselves and others may have interfered with their ability to relate on a different level, or Robin’s ability to believe that black people can relate on a different level.
I agree with your observation Velour
It’s a controversial post, LOL.
I’m truly puzzled by some of the reactions to this post. Why are so many BW ready to defend anyone who insults BW as long as they compliment BM while doing it? It’s really REALLY bizarre.
At least two of the women who got worked up over my article are always posting up and down the internet complaining and debunking black men who bash them. When they do so, their wording does throw black men collectively under a bus. Yet this time a man who is not black insults them, and they are ok with it because he complimented black men in the process. The women attack ME with the claim that I am “attacking Robin and his wife because he said there are great black men.” LOL…? Apparently, I show that I “worship” white men by disagreeing with comments that Robin, a white man, made about interracial relationships. LOL…? Huh? I reply to statements anyone regardless of color and gender makes in order to limit and scare black women who would like to date interracially. Yet these women don’t “worship white men,” apparently, though they are only angry because I dared to criticize Robin Thicke’s statements? It’s insanity…almost comedic. They contradict themselves left and right. I don’t even know if their logic and behavior makes sense to them.
I think the media is somewhat to blame. There are actually some women who take seriously the idea that they have limited marriage options and aren’t desirable, and get worked up into a desperate frenzy. They think that if they put all men down, it will make them seem less desperate and therefore more attractive to men. They insist that saying most men are scum keeps men on their toes, and gives them leverage in the dating world. Um, no, men pretty much just stay away from them. Whether man or woman, if you constantly rail against the opposite sex, no one of the opposite sex will want you…and for good reason.
If you click around, you’ll see the “black love” pages that some of these users write with article after article throwing black men in particular AND men in general, under a bus. Black men and black women fight like cats and dogs in their comment sections. (They do occasionally mention interracial dating as an option, but I think it’s just to keep the black men on their blogs in line…wink.) They insist that, in not being complicit in their anti-man agenda and writing here over and over that men in general are scum, I’m “worshiping” white men. Um…dating and relationship material typically doesn’t bash any whole gender or group. They just tell how to find individuals that meet your standards. That is what my site does. The only difference is that it supports women who are attracted to a particular flavor as well, and tells them how to find good and compatible individuals within the group or groups. If you have standards and know your options and individual worth, no one can exploit you in a relationship.
Apparently, the understanding and constructive discussions that men and women on my site are having are bad because it makes men too comfortable. By not saying men in general – of every color – are scumbags, and that we should just pick out individual good ones of any color that we can get, I am somehow claiming white men are better (the site isn’t only about white men, but people who are negatively obsessed with white men tend to project). I am sorry that these individuals are bitter and feel desperate…but I do have choices, and picked individual good men in the flavor(s) I preferred…because I could. They’re going to accept that I control the direction of this site, because I pay the “rent” for it. They have their own pages on which to conduct their anti-man campaign. If they are unable to accept the fact that not all black women share their agendas and aren’t required to do so, they will be sorely disappointed.
Another thought-provoking post,Velour.
My husband “understands” me just fine…as far as robin thicke(who, until now i thought was a r&b female singer) is concerned,…dude is straight up what i call “peacockin”…grandstanding…..yawn…”journey as a black woman?”.O_o
Thanks. I don’t know how Robin figures that black women are on some special journey that no one can understand, lol. I don’t know what he’s talking about. I think Paula convinced herself and Robin that she had some sort of “journey as a black woman” because she wants so badly to feel that she’s having some sort of experiences that only black people have. This would mean that her blackness is validated. Robin just took it and ran away with it.
Your hunch is right on, which is why it is best not to date white man that have black male friends.
Well, my hubby has black male friends (as well as male friends of other colors). They aren’t the type of black men that would whisper negative things in his ear about black women, though, as I know some do.
I think the moral of the story is….black women should avoid relationships with wiggas, and white men who want to be in relationships with black women should avoid being wiggas. It seems to bring nothing but confusion. :p
I would have been less blunt, but too many of Robin’s fans who came here are just being downright nasty. Why beat about the bush, anyway, eh.
ITA with Velour. Having dated a couple of WM who could be categorized as “Wiggas”. I looked the part for them, but didn’t act the stereotype. They didn’t understand me because didn’t fit that ideal. There’s nothing worse that being in a relationship with someone having an identity crisis. How can you be in a stable relationship if you don’t know who you are and let others define you? As for Robin, I enjoy him as an entertainer, and he’s cute. However, I think the drugs he has admitted to using has fried his brain. He might have had good intentions behind what he said, but he came across as patronizing.Paula can define herself however she wants, but the baby is innocent . I hope that their son doesn’t read her comments when he gets older. I hope that he is taught to live who he is and not made to feel like he has to choose sides.
Most black women who date “wiggas” seem to have that experience.
Wow, Robin a drug user?? I never expected that. He doesn’t look like a drug-using type – but I guess this is just the norm amongst these celebrities. The drug use just makes him extremely unattractive to me. I just stopped and Googled. He’s proud of it, too!:
I’m shocked. Paula seems so classy. I just thought she would pick a man of better character. Wow. Um, yeah…he’s not as attractive as I thought. =/
You know, I just realized that I’ve never been acquainted with anyone who uses drugs. There was an ex-drug user in the church I was raised in. His mind came and went – especially if he stopped taking his medication.
Exactly!! The drug use can be a huge factor as to what types of things come out of your mouth. As for Paula, my only guess is that because they have been together since they were teenagers, she may indulge as well, or she just looks the other way and accepts his drug usage as ” just how he is”. Look at Corrine Bailey Rae–her husband was a hardcore heroin addict and she found him dead in their home about three years ago. Look at how wholesome and soft spoken she is, you would never picture her as being linked to someone like that- but opposites attract, I guess. But Robin, who is good friends with Lil’ Wayne, you can’t really hope for anything coherent or insightful thoughts.
I shouldn’t even be surprised about this stuff. Many celebrities and nouveau riche have secret drug parties. Most celebrities are drug abusers. That’s yet another reason people shouldn’t act like they are superhumans. I remember that I grew up watching those little twin girls from “Full House.” While in college, I was disappointed to hear that one was in rehab for being a drug addict and bulimic. Too bad they had to grow up. It’s because of unclean lifestyles that these Hollywooders suddenly drop dead at young ages. I never got the appeal of deliberately killing the brain, one cell at a time. It’s really not worth it.
I date inter racially now, but have dated my share of black men. I don’t think one is better than the other, but I do tend to connect more with white men based on my likes, my hobbies, etc.
I’ve been teased by whites kids because of my color, teased by blacks because I spoke to proper. Let’s throw my then nappy hair into the mix, the way I dressed and the fact that I was an implant in my Southern community. I was ridiculed so badly that I quit middle school for a half year because I just couldn’t take another day of my own race dogging me for this reason or that.
I say all of this to say that many people harp on how bad biracial people are outcast or teased for being biracial… but no one seems to think it matters that darker complected or even white children are teased for being who they are too. I’ve seen it from all angles, which is why color doesn’t matter to me. The point I’m trying to make is that everyone gets teased and bullied for something or the other. We are a human race that is not perfect and being a pure breed, biracial or mixed (like I am, but it’s not readily visible unless you really study my features you can see the Asian in the slant of my eyes), none of us are exempt from someone elses ignorant opinions of us.
No one has the right to tell anyone or suggest that one race is better for someone than another race. How on earth would they know? If I based my decisions solely on experience, I would have nothing else to do with black men because it was a black man that treated me so poorly; abandoning and choosing drugs over our child and me. But even going through all of that I realized that the same thing could have happened if he was white. It’s “character” that we find desirable and I believe that shapes what we are physically attracted to in the long run. There are wonderful black men out there, my brothers are some of those men
But there are wonderful white men that I have also dated. I know wonderful Latin and Asian men too (dated one of those too).
Who knows what motivates Robin to make such a statement or why Paula wants her baby to darken up. I feel that people should be comfortable with who they are and that just comes with time. Being a medium complected, awkward, proper talking black girl, with nerdy tendencies, northern roots and a love for rock music, in a small Southern town created a very insecure young woman. It took a dose of reality and a brush with death (breast cancer 10 years ago) to make me realize all that crap didn’t matter after all. Who freggin cares what color we are. Bottom line, we all get teased, ridiculed and outcasted for different reason; no one reason more special than the other.
As a black woman who dates white men, I would not tell white men to stay away from black women because we just don’t “get” them, lol. If that were the case I would just tell men to stay away from women because we don’t “get” them.. serious I don’t “get” men most of the time no matter what color he is, but i have connected with them and loved the hell out of them. So them not getting me or totally understanding every thing about me is not going to deter me from dating “men”, so what the heck should color matter?
Sorry to hear about all the teasing you endured due not to your skin tone but to others’ stupidity. When I was in Junior High, I know there were some kids who liked to tease very dark-skinned kids with cruel remarks. People can’t control how others choose to raise their children, but it’s important that parents stand their dark-skinned girls, especially, before the mirror and instill within them love of their own velvety smooth, glowing dark skin. I’m sure dark-skinned people, particularly the girls and women, are subject to more color harassment than biracial and other light-skinned people. I found it somewhat amusing when Robin complained that Paula has trouble getting parts in Hollywood due to being a black woman. I wonder if Paula ever stopped to think about what black women in Hollywood like Angela Bassett, Gabrielle Union and Vivica Fox had to go through and are going through. Hopefully, Paula also thinks outside of herself and her need to prove that she’s a black woman who has black experiences.
You know? I saw Robin on Chelsea Lately about a month ago, and any attraction I had to him flew out the window. It’s not nice, but my immediate thought was, “Ugh, he’s been around too many rapper types.” He had that cockiness that I am not a fan of; not confidence. The story above explains a lot. On “Chelsea” he didn’t say anything in regards to race, so I didn’t realize he felt that way. I’m so tired of this idea that black men and many black women have, that says that bw only date & marry non-black men because we can’t find “good black men”. Is it so hard to believe that some of us are flat out more attracted to white, asian, or any other non-black man? I’m starting to believe there’s some secret society of black men, and it’s their job to brainwash ALL women into believing black men are the cream of the crop. Lol! Maybe they want to build up a reserve of all women, for some super secret agenda, and Robin is one of the puppets saying, “Take it from a white guy, black guys are best. Kyuck kyuck!” I look forward to the day when black women stop thinking that true love is based on whether or not a man experiences her same skin color. There are a lot of couples out there whose only connection is race, and to me that’s just as shallow as marrying/dating for status or money. Men are men, it’s okay for us ladies to have our preferences, for me that preference is wm, and yes I love myself and who I am (for those who say that when a black woman “goes outside her race”, she hates herself. Stop it, because you know it isn’t true.). Anyway, let me get down off of my milk crate, and end this rant. (^_^) Thanks for another great post Velour! Please keep em coming.
For the record, I know not all black women think that a potential mate has to match skin. It sounds too general in my first post. My bad.
I am attracted to confident men – but cocky men, arrogant men, are a huge turn-off for me, too. I believe that it’s this cocky quality that the silly “swag” term partially refers to. Sometimes “swag” also means waddling oddly because one’s pants keep dropping, or because one keeps publicly grabbing one’s b@lls. This strange behavior would not be my cup of tea, even if I were interested in black men. There are normal black men who do not depict such qualities. None of my black male relations do, nor have any black male acquaintances I’ve had. Robin tends to hang around swag types. He’s physically attractive, but not my cup of tea. When single, I never dated any man who exhibited any swaggalicious mannerism.
Yes, it is highly annoying that people continue to assume that all black women’s interest in dating or marrying interracially has to do with thinking there are “no good black men” or that “black men are running out.”
A black woman can be attracted to a white man or an Asian man because he’s a man. They can connect if they are open-minded, because they are both human beings, more alike than different.
Some act like everyone is supposed to find “black love.”
Funny that Robin says he never has and never would date white women – yet feels he can tell black women to stick with black men. He has some nerve. I don’t get it. Is he looking for a harem, too?? It really doesn’t make sense.
Wow, you were (in my opinion) read WAY too much into this article. As for your comment about Robin and Paula (possibly) not connecting on a human to another, well…men and women period and regardless of race, often have a hard time communicating to each other because we are different. What a man considers to be a good man is not always what a women considers to be a good man. I don’t see Robin and Paula having “racial issues” and I think they’re relationship is a healthy one because he was also quoted as saying this about her “It’s her intelligence and her strength. I’ve never met a stronger person who stands by their will and their moral values. She is such an amazing human being.” Which says to me, he sees her and connects with her as an “amazing human being.”
I also believe that there are cultural differences and the best way to understand someone is to accept that. There’s nothing wrong with understanding that for the most part, a lot of us were brought up with some cultural differences. I think when we try to ignore that part, we run into the possibility of being ignorant about each other because let’s face it, people judge by what they see and hear and not about what they know.
Go easy on Robin and Paula, it’s not Robin’s responsibility to give an interview being politically correct. I’d rather him be honest. He was asked his opinion and that’s what he gave us.
Please excuse any typos, it’s late but I had to comment before I went to bed.
I took out half of your comment, because aside from the fact that I’m unamused by the snide remarks and potshots you peppered throughout, my article NEVER discussed Robin’s sex life. I feel sorry for those incapable of reading with comprehension the part where I said, “note the word I emphasize.” Also, I already discussed the whole biracial thing; you’re going to have to read my comments here or on the other thread and reply to them directly, rather than reiterating points already made and replied to.
I don’t have to speculate about what Paula meant, when she said for herself in the interview that she finds it offensive to be regarded as biracial because “it’s a way for people to separate themselves from African Americans…a way of saying ‘I’m better than that.’” “I’m black because that’s the way the world sees me.” “People judged me because I was light-skinned. [They'd assume] I didn’t want to be part of the black race.”
For the second time…black women are just women. Robin didn’t encourage women to become lesbians because men can’t understand us. He was speaking of color here. The issue at hand was one group of women dating men of another color. It wasn’t about whether or not to date MEN. He’s obviously speaking of color, or the color/gender combination. Clearly not gender alone, since again, the issue is not whether to date MEN or not, just a particular COLOR of men. He said that black women should reconsider the notion of dating white men because there are so many great black men, and because most white men “won’t understand your journey as a black woman.” It’s shocking that I would even have to spell this out. Are the Robin’s fans here being deliberately obtuse, or…?
LMAO, the full quote is:
He litters the interview with references to Paula Patton as a “strong black woman.” Compare and contrast: “silly white boy,” and “strong black woman.” Robin has more issues than Paula does. Robin was a silly white boy wigga who lacked compassion and understanding about Paula’s black student union activities; he blames his silly ways on his color, and projects it onto other men of his color and onto white men/black women relationships. I have to stand by my thoughts that Paula and Robin don’t even connect with themselves much less anyone else on a human level.
There are cultural differences between whom? Two people of the same color can be of two different cultures, and two people of different colors can be the same culture. Apparently, Robin and Paula have the same culture, lol. I don’t have the same culture as either one.
It’s not my responsibility to be politically correct, when I’d rather be honest. I am expected to give my opinion on my site, and that’s what I did.
All things considered, this could easily be a cynically calculated measure on Thicke’s part, based purely on economics. As much as a large number of his audience is black, he may feel that he simply can’t afford to be totally frank about interracial relationships–even if he’s in one.
I could understand that…except that Robin noted that most of his fans are black women. He seemed to toss his black female fans under the bus in order to boost the ego of his black male friends. Essentially, he said that black men would be perfect if the women just cared for them better, LOL. I don’t think that adults should be held responsible for other adults’ behavior. There is so much he could have said. He could have even told the women to choose WELL, no matter what color they choose to date, so they don’t continue having traumatic dating experiences with bad men.
As a celebrity who’s married to a woman he considers black, you would think he might expect a question along these lines from a black woman’s magazine, and be prepared with a good answer. He should fire his publicist. If he doesn’t have a publicist, then he should keep his mouth shut in public unless a song is coming out, lol.
Thanks for this post. I do think Robin Thicke was speaking sincerely about his thoughts/feelings, for which I cannot fault him. I’ve been trying to “process” this interview for a few weeks. I’m a fan of both Robin Thicke and Paula Patton and was surprised at the number of double-takes I did while reading the Essence article.
I’m glad you posted. I know you’re nice and normal – far different than many of the Robin and Paula fans who’ve made their appearance here.
I wonder if, before he started dating his wife, he told her to go give black men a shot- to treat them better and not be too stubborn…
I know this is tongue-in-cheek, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he did say or think that, Kristina, particularly since he described himself as a “silly white boy.” He probably thinks she was unable to get one of those “great black men,” and this is why she settled for a “silly white boy without understanding and comprehension.” He tries to make up for what he thinks Paula is missing in life by being as “black” as possible. I wonder how he feels about the fact that he couldn’t give Paula the black baby she wanted, and she keeps pointing it out on national TV. I guess that makes him feel more inadequate than ever. It’s sad to see people who have such issues accepting themselves, and therefore, the child that they produced as well. Hopefully, for their sakes and Julian’s, they’ll find some inner peace.
Wow, this is my first post here and I gotta say, Velour, you rocked this post! I agree with you 100%.
Okay, all praise aside, here are my own thoughts on this post. Robin has issues! Paula has issues too! Both of them are incredibly uncomfortable with race, specifically their whiteness. I’m calling it as I see it. They seem hyper-defensive about it.
Robin wants to be down the brothas, an honorary black man, and to this end will put down his own race. Paula, as a biracial woman identifies as black — which I see no problem with. But she seems uncomfortable acknowledging that she is part white and I think it’s awful that she jokes about Julian getting “more color” in his skin. Most children of all races darken some as they age, but why does it matter so much to them? He got his genes from his momma and daddy. He is them, and he is fine just the way he is!
Myself, I am an black woman of African American and Caribbean descent. I identify as black. I would never date a guy who was ashamed of his background, so I was astounded at the way Robin put down white men and praised black men. There are good men and bad men of every color. Someone who has issues with their own race usually isn’t a secure in themselves.
I’ve been in IR relationships – I’m in one right now – and I am not trying to be anything other than a black woman, so I know dating out has nothing to do with self-hatred. What Robin and Paula are going through has little to do with being in interracial couple and much more to do with seeking outside approval due to their racial insecurities!
My thoughts exactly, ivymades. I think both have issues with their whiteness. If any black people made the types of statements that Robin and Paula made, they would be accused of self-hate. It’s their issues with their baby’s whiteness that really troubles me.
I consider myself to be of African descent. The only reason I sometimes back away from the term “black” is when some self-identified black people who clearly have issues with themselves think that “black” should be a symbol of impurity (one drop of black blood dirties the whiteness), a branding for slaves, a catch-all category for anyone who feels like a social outcast, or that black comes with one particular culture and defines what behaviors and thought processes we should have. It’s ignorance. Sometimes I think a new term is needed. The individuals who are the most dysfunctional and have the biggest inferiority complexes are the only ones permitted to define what “black” is, and some well-adjusted individuals are feeling left out. I won’t allow anyone to brand I or my kids as slaves, rejects, impure or tell me what culture to have. When black SIMPLY means a human being of mainly African descent, then I’m all in. If black means 3/5 of a human, impure, lack of individuality/group mentality, social outcasts, and other types of inferiority, I pass, because I dare to think a lot more of myself. I have no idea why some continue to perpetuate this nonsense. It’s like talking to a brick wall, because they can’t see why it’s unhealthy when it seems so obvious.
I hear you. I can’t stand when people try to police what “black” is – i.e, listening to rock music or speaking “proper” English are “not black”, etc.
Velour, great article and well written!! I’m glad you tackled that train wreck of an interview.
He is talented, yes, but this is ridiculous. I can not believe these sheeple (sheep people) fans of his. His “20 good black male friends” is irrelevant to my/our IR relationships. Is he suggesting that black women, especially those who prefer non-black men, drop everything they’re doing, take care of black men, and give all of them a chance?…Excuse me?! Why doesn’t Robin give a white woman a chance? Better yet, why not instruct white women, interested in black men, to give white men a chance? Why address black women? Maybe a few of his “good black male friends” have been mentioning things to him…who knows.
That was just a complete mess. What a careless and distasteful comment. Robin and Paula definitely have a lot of issues when it comes to “race”. How dare he speak for an entire “race” of men, especially when he doesn’t even surround himself with men of his background. He has no right to tell black women who they should NOT date, give a chance or take care of. What little respect I had for him is slowly diminishing. I am not a fan of the [c]rap “artistes” he is constantly working with, especially those that publicly made it clear, that they dislike black women. How does he work with such fools.
It’s so sad how nonchalant many of his female fans are about this article. Some black women could care less how dysfunctional a bw/wm relationship is, just as long as they’re together. Now, I’m in no way saying Robin and Paula are dysfunctional, but that a lot of those types of female fans are irrational and easily provoked.
I just read an interview in which Robin was defending these [c]rappers. The interviewer asked what he thought of the insults to black women in [c]rap “music,” and Robin completely dodged the question and said that if people don’t like what [c]rappers rhyme about, they should fix the conditions of the neighborhoods, the schools, etc., rather than insult those who call attention to it. He’s right that action to improve impoverished communities is very necessary…yet, there is NO good reason or community benefit that could possibly be garnered from “artists” referring to black women with filthy words and negative stereotypes. Robin will say or do anything to avoid stepping on the toes of his swaggalicious “homies” – even at the expense of black women.
Also, while some past rappers intended to promote social awareness, modern mainstream ones are strictly motivated by greed (I heard that the non-mainstream ones just whine about being held down by da white man…though I don’t listen to any rap). They do not say, “We want to get out.” They say, “The ghetto is fabulous…live it up.” I remember there was a peculiar little guy with a head sized and shaped like a peanut…I think he was called “Ja Rule.” This was my first year of college, because I remember my roommate insisting that this Ja person was “cute” (she is also the only woman I ever heard say she liked “thugs”). Anyway, this Ja Rule lied to the public, claiming he was raised in a dangerous ghetto in order to get “street cred,” as they say. He got rich selling images of gore and violence as a black thing while living in a mansion inside a gated community, safe from the violence he helped encourage. This is typical.
Some of Robin’s fan base is low class and insane. I figured he’d have fans who disagreed – but the level and amount of nastiness was unexpected. This article has only been up for 2 days, yet this was the most trolled article. Writing that Robin and Paula seem to be striving hard for blackness, and that this seems to be causing both to have unnecessary troubles in their relationship and her to have trouble accepting her baby’s whiteness – which is my article in a nutshell – is not even that bad. When I started this site about 2 1/2 (or more) years ago, I only had two rules…respect fellow commenters and be progressive about interracial relationships. Because of the difficulty some Robin fans are having with adult interactions, I’ll need to create more rules. I don’t know where these people came from.
By the way, great comment, especially this part.
Robin insists he’s just a “silly white boy.” You know how some black men call white men “white boys” and “silly white boys” in order to emasculate and ridicule them. Meanwhile, he uses words and phrases that make Paula seems powerful…”president of the black student union,” “strong black woman” – a phrase he uses repeatedly. Look how often he references her strength here: “It’s her intelligence and her strength. I’ve never met a stronger person who stands by their will and their moral values.” This almost makes it appear that Paula has more masculinity than he does. He’s not trying to de-femininize Paula, though. He’s emasculating himself. Robin puts black men up on the pedestal, bragging about their achievements. He makes everyone around him seem active and powerful, while he dismisses himself and puts himself into a passive role. Just a silly white boy, trying to understand. He’s so obviously trying to boost the egos of his black male cohorts. Maybe he’s afraid his music industry buddies would try to destroy his career. I think he was trying to backtrack, because looking at the article carefully, he was talking about how all of his black male counterparts in the industry were single and unable to have any semblance of a successful relationship, while he had been married to a black woman for 18 years.
I think your analysis of Robin and Paula’s general mindset is spot on. You don’t get more ridiculous than a biracial woman having a child with a white man, earnestly looking for the child’s blackness lol.
If you want a black child, marry a black man. I hope she develops a new mindset for the child’s sake. I grew up with a few biracial and even quadroon people that act like black militants and were very unhappy. I tend to think growing up in a household where the parent is looking for blackness when it’s sparse may be the cause.
Robin’s comments were obviously made to pander to his male hip hop friends. He certainly threw his black female fans under the bus and how sad they cannot see it. I have never been a fan of his so I am not torn up about him or his wife.
Fans should be able to appreciate the art apart from the artist but only up to a point. If said artist says things to demean women like me (I don’t care who he is married to) I am not going to support him.
Also, you’re correct when you talk about people projecting their own self-esteem issues on to others. If a woman decides to describe herself as biracial instead of black and you think she thinks she is better than you then it’s your issue. A person has a right to self-definition and I would hope that one’s self esteem is independent of another person’s let alone a stranger’s.
I wouldn’t support any artist who degraded me, either, so I know what you mean. It wouldn’t be wise, after all, to keep funding someone’s ability to have a public voice if they were using it to put you down.
Right, or sometimes the biracial children never knew the black fathers and were raised by the white mothers in black neighborhoods. They feel different and left out because they’re out of touch with their “black side,” and try to overcompensate by being the “blackest” around.
I can’t imagine why Paula thought that with her genes she would have anything other than a white baby with a white man. She seems genuinely shocked, since she agonized over the fact that her baby is white on so many talk shows. Maybe they had both been wishing so hard for blackness/more blackness for themselves that they lost sight of their reality and didn’t realize their collective dreams couldn’t produce a real black baby.
Either that, or Paula is just trying to appease the type of black people who claimed she was trying to escape her blackness for having the nerve to be born light or for marrying interracially. In trying to boost the fragile egos of ignorant people, she’ll be trampling all over the self-esteem of her own son, who is actually her responsibility.
Lol! Word, 100%!
Hi Velour! This is a great blog. Both my parents are Caribbean born and raised and still reside there. I was raised there all my life too and just moved to go to college. We both are attracted to white men and are both INTJ!!!! Go Figure.
I always knew that from day one one I would never want to date the “Kevin Federlines”, ” Eminems”, ” Justin Timberlakes” and now the “Robin Thickes” of white men. They pick up the nasty habits of “Thug Life” and are no better than black thugs. One person a while back thought the only way a man of another race could get a black woman is if he acted black himself or a black woman would date a white dude even if he was a thug, just because he’s white. Not me.
Your analysis of Paula’s situation is quiet accurate. I remember on another blog, one black women stated that it did not matter weather or not a child had one parent that was white, white people will still see them as black and only whites had the power to determine peoples racial identities. I remember responding to the young lady that what would happen if your child went to school and the black kids teased them about not being “black enough”, “talking white”. ( As in Paulas’s case) wouldn’t that child develop a complex if he or she has not become comfortable with both sides of their identity?wouldn’t they become ashamed of part of who they are? They would have to go home everyday to that parent. Its not something that can hide, once you live in a household with that parent, you’re going to be affected by them in some ways. The young lady responded that it did not Matter! I kid you not!
Apparently the psychological well being of her child was less important than making sure her offspring was the poster child for the “blacker than thou” aggitators. One more child to make a video on youtube looking like a lost soul in limbo. Look what that experience did to Ms. Patton, now she’s on a mission to seek out her blackness as much as she can, so people will be comfortable with her.
There was actually an article one time on Madame Noire written by a black women stating that Paula shouldn’t be playing a black women on TV! SMH! That she did not have enough ” black woman sassyness”. After the amount of work she put in to assert her blackness, they still make her pay a ” white tax” by excluding her from certain things. Even Robin is paying his dues for being associated with her with his “swag”
Some black folks practise the one drop rule in the reverse. One drop of ” white blood” ( as much as that sounds weird to me, since blood doesn’t know a race) makes you tarnished and must prove yourself at all cost. Paula will always have a target on her back, how she deals with it is what matters and so far she’s not dealing with it well. Being ashamed of being black because the world sees it as inferior isn’t healthy but this underlying resentment of whiteness probably since they still associate it with “oppressor” isn’t going to work. They need to stop putting mixed children in between their back and white wars Its not Paulas responsibility to prove she doesn’t think shes better.
Wow, really? INTJs are only 1% of the population (the rarest), so it’s cool to meet another.
And you’re Caribbean, too…go figure.
Great points. There are ignorant individuals from both sides who harass biracial people, though certain black folks like to pretend it’s just that “da white man won’t accept them.” The only difference is that certain black people want biracial people to identify as black JUST so they have the power to punish these biracial people for every “drop of white blood” in their bodies. They know that, since they hold the keys to accept and define blackness, biracials will have to labor and jump through hoops perpetually and indefinitely to prove they are black and truly want to be black – and will still never be accepted by them as “black enough.” Some black individuals like to claim that black people are just “more accepting” and “taking biracial people under their wing,” when they know this is false. They have ulterior motives. Their low self-esteem makes them have a need to feel validated by getting people to choose “blackness,” and to have power over the only manifestation of whiteness they can by making biracials their puppets.
This is why it’s best that people are just comfortable with who they are (biracial and also black people). I stopped being bullied in my life when I learned who I was and people saw that I was very comfortable and content with myself. Paula will continue to be bullied by certain black people, since her desperation to be accepted as completely black (something which she’s not and won’t ever be accepted as) is a weakness. If people saw that she stood proud in who she was, they wouldn’t waste their time ridiculing her. Some people are sharks, circling in the water and looking for a weak point to exploit, because they have issues that make them thrive on the taste of blood. Each person who is both black and white (so-called “biracial”) will not be downtrodden by either side when they aren’t looking for answers to who they are without.
Another point you made is that if a man gets with a black woman who isn’t at ease with her “blackness,” not only will she need to prove that she is black enough and try to prove it through her children, but her husband will end up with weird issues, too, as Robin has. There is a reason he uses such terms as “silly white boy” and gets increasingly intimate with these [c]rappers. People need to have self-esteem to have healthy relationships, whether black, biracial, or white. “Silly white boys” and someone who has trouble dealing with the appearance of a healthy baby to the point that she keeps talking about it in public are not so healthy.
Yeah, even when kids managed to bully me into listening to [c]rap “music” for as a child (which I got yelled at for when my mother found out LOL), I wasn’t into males with that swag/thug lifestyle. I just rationalized as a child that scary rap lyrics were no different than scary movies – until I could no longer ignore the inner voice that knew. The inner voice was my common sense and the values my parents taught me. I always avoided guys regardless of color who couldn’t speak and had gangsta panties peeking out above clown-sized pants, and called themselves “white boys” or “n*#gas.” Eww. I could just imagine if I brought home some guy who couldn’t open up his mouth and speak, or couldn’t wear his clothes right…somehow, my father would end up beating him up, LOL, and I’m sure I wouldn’t blame him. Kevin Federline has the swagga style down pat, from the K-Fed name, various babymamas and out-of-wedlock kids, and even living off a woman (Britney) while he was jobless and penniless and dreaming of a rap career. Straight out of a cartoon, this character. Most of those types of couplings seem to end in disaster. Meanwhile, marriages between white men and black women tend to last the longest on average.
Welcome to the site. I forgot to welcome people…the comment section was so intense for a while, LOL.
Hello Velour! I’m usually just a lurker here, but I just wanted to post a comment in support of your post. I’ve often found it curious that certain white men or black women (celebrity or otherwise) are somehow above reproach and critical analysis in the [BW]IR blogosphere. As if, just by virtue of being married interracially, you’re an “expert” and/or automatically have the best interests of black women at heart. Robin and Paula = one of those couples. Even if actions or words may indicate otherwise. I try to take people’s words at face value, even in interviews, so it’s funny yet sad how some are interpreting what Robin said to fit their frame of mind. I believe the technical term for this is…confirmation bias.
I like Paula, but I also know biracial/multiethnic women like her, who are intent about being black (and only black). And it’s very disappointing that she’ll likely pass her mindset on to her child(ren). Women like Paula and, as an aside, Halle Berry, really need to have a seat and re-evaluate that mindset about their children.
I remember buying Robin’s “Evolution of…” album a few years ago, and I enjoyed it. And then, I noticed that he started collaborating with certain rappers, and it really turned me off. Since the Essence article went public, I’ve gone online and watched a couple of interviews…and yep, still turned off.
Anyhoo, any person, whether it be man or woman, black or white or asian or latino, who references anything akin to: “Black women need to…” is suspicious to me. Why? Because too many people are entitled to provide unsolicited advice to black women, as if we’re inherently inferior and need to be led around, being told what to do and how to do it, as if we’re children. I’m certainly not denying there are black women with issues. But this pathological othering of us as a group, even by other black women, really needs to stop. Because truth be told, there have been black women living their lives and thriving for years, decades even, whether they are married to black or non-black men, all without the guidance of so-called experts. For my part, I think the black American women who sincerely want quality lives, and are exposed to the resources available to them, can have that life. It may not be easy, per se, but really it is that simple.
Thanks for the post!
Yes, that is what bothers me. I am tired of people assuming that black women tend to be stupid and child-like. I noticed that even some black women think this way of other black women. I’m sure there are plenty of black women out there who hear myths (foreign black women are often told to only date intra-culturally and hear a few myths, too) – BUT I believe all that’s necessary is to provide other information that they may not have heard so that each individual can make her OWN decision. Adults have the capacity to decide for themselves. No media talking head, or worse, some random empty-headed or drug-addled celebrity or any other person needs to TELL grown-ups what color to date or not to. People aren’t helped if they’re told they’re babies and discouraged from using their own thinking skills. Independent thinking is an essential skill in every aspect of life. Any adult who didn’t have this basic survival skill (critical thinking), regardless of color or gender, would have no business dating, anyway – so I don’t know what the sense is of targeting dating and marriage advice to any such individual. I’m not going to tell people how to behave so that they become my “followers.” That is part of the reason that I decided not to write a book about this topic even when it’s often requested: I didn’t want to establish myself as some type of guru and get followers. No…I’m not at all knocking anyone who writes am interracial book, though, as it does depend. It’s just not for me. The same applies to me as applies to celebrities…people really don’t know me, and should not be my unconditional fans. Though if they don’t find anything I say worthwhile (i.e. these trolls lol), they may want to simply not read. I don’t want people agreeing with something just because I said so. I don’t want to just replace one form of telling people what to do with something else. I just refuse. Welcome to the site, by the way.
Robin Thicke is an arrogant pinhead! Just because you married a biracial lady does NOT make you an expert on IR relationships OR on the availability of “good” white men!! I’m a white guy and I’ve dated a few black women in my life, and found they are no more difficult to understand than any other race of women! Actually, any man who thinks he “understands” women is deluded! As lovely as you ladies are, you are still one of natures wonderfull enigmas!
Paula, the only insult is your refusal to acknowledge the white side of your family tree! I don’t understand why some biracial people feel they have to choose one or the other! She has a responsibility to embrace both! You are biracial! Get over it! I’m offended that you feel there is something detestable about being white (or half-white)! That attitude coupled with her constant need to apologize for her childs lack of “blackness” is making me rethink my desire to watch any of her films! Usually, I try to seperate an actors personality from his profession, but I don’t think I’d want to waste my hard earned cash to accellerate the careers of two such obnoxious people!
Thanks for commenting. I can’t stand it when people like Robin make it seem like being black makes a woman an alien, because we really aren’t. Women in general want similar things.
Though some argue that Paula doesn’t necessarily detest her “white side,” I can think of no other explanation for her angst over the color of the white baby produced from her womb. When I have a baby, I won’t care whether he or she is dark as a moonless night or light as the driven snow (and with genetics, you never know). People swear that Paula’s baby will darken just because he has “black genes.” Victoria Rowell is the colour of many black Americans, yet her young adult daughter is still blond and very white-looking. http://interracialintersection.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/rowell.jpg Here’s a current pic of Victoria’s daughter: http://interracialintersection.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/Maya-Fahey.jpg I have a dark-skinned cousin who married a blonde; the kids look white though one is a bit tanned, and one is blonde. My opinion is that Julian won’t get darker even if his hair darkens a bit, so Paula should stop having false hope about something that shouldn’t matter.
Some black people who have babies interracially need to know that the child is not all theirs, but just as much the other parent’s. When someone says, “The father will have to understand that our babies are going to be black,” they are being selfish and not thinking about the father’s natural need to claim his own offspring and the child’s need to embrace everything he or she is in order to be well-adjusted. They think it’s everyone else’s responsibility to understand as they do what they want and think best, which is not how marriage and family works. Such individuals typically aren’t the best candidates for healthy, long-lasting interracial marriages, and are the ones producing confused biracial kids and adults like the ones on YouTube who can’t figure out where they belong (some days they’re black…other days they’re biracial…some days they hate black people…some days they hate black and white or insist one or the other hates them…what a mess). One confused, suffering biracial YouTuber is a guy named bmatt820 (white mother/black father who abandoned them) who basically seems white. This is avoidable with good parenting.
Both Robin’s mother and Paula’s mother are blondes, so the blond gene could be dominant in the child. Even if it’s not, I’m still sure that this baby isn’t going to darken even if his hair does slightly.
Everybody ages differently. My eyes and hair darkened somewhat as I aged.
Another thing: The idea of “biracial” is not new when defining black people. Back in the day, some very race- conscious societies esp. in parts of Louisiana would label blacks mulattoes (1/2 black), quadroons (1/4 black), octoroons (1/8 black), and your social status mirrored each label.
If I married someone outside of my race, I don’t know what I would do if we had children. Although I can understand the parents not wanting their child to be identified by the race of only one of the parents, the word ‘biracial’ is so general. It’s a shame this country is so obessed with race that something like race identification would become a parent’s issue.
I know everyone ages differently, but in my personal opinion, Robin and Paula’s baby will continue to look white. Only time will tell whether I’m right or wrong.
As I wrote in the other thread where you and I discussed this, the label “biracial” is not necessary, and I wouldn’t teach my children that they’re “biracial,” “mixed,” “mulatto,” etc. For my children, I wouldn’t put such stress on these “racial classifications” since they have no basis in fact, but I would let them know that it’s ok to say and know that they’re “both black and white” if anyone asks. I would let them feel comfortable embracing the two parents and sides of the family that contributed to their being and raised them in love.
Raising a healthy, well-adjusted child is always the parents’ issue. There will always be ignorant people and bullies – and not only in regard to color – so the child should always be raised to know who he or she is and feel comfortable with it. We have to work with what the world is when raising children, not with what we wish it could or should be. Even when color issues go away, there will be other issues that still exist or replace it.
The “black community” is very color-conscious today, and a good number view the “light-skinned black people” as better. Hence, the lighter ones are still given a higher social status in a sense. The only difference is that maybe, just maybe, black people would be healthier if being black didn’t mean “contaminated whiteness” and “fit for slavery” (which is what the one drop slave rule means), and maybe, just maybe, biracial people would be happier if they could accept both parents and sides of the family and the whole of themselves. Maybe changes from the inside help to improve what’s happening on the outside. The world is slowly changing and maybe people could, too, rather than clutching desperately to the slave mentality to their own detriment. Slave master/Jim Crow’s master is dead, and things continue to improve, especially for smart women. I’m not Harriet Tubman, and don’t particularly have the patience to try, though. I wouldn’t recommend my site for people who are still very much caught up in the slave past and/or subscribe to the one drop slave rule. They are free to do what they will with the sort of “silly white boys” who might support it – but I will never offer active support and encouragement for ideas that I believe are not conducive to healthy marriages and children, because doing so would be against my values and beliefs.
Ok, I just got this comment by inbox
So according to this message, black isn’t DNA, black isn’t features, and black isn’t culture. Of course there are Japanese of African lineage: every person on earth comes from African lineage, if you trace far enough back into ancient times. I guess every person on earth is black, then.
What was the purpose of this website again? I’m starting to forget… We’re all the same color without any way of being told apart and therefore viewed and treated differently – so my site isn’t really necessary, right?
There are women who look white who have tried repeatedly to keep conversations focused on things that happened during slavery and other negativity, or complained so much that the positive article “Why Black Women Are So Attractive” shouldn’t have been posted because nothing in it applied to the individual complaining. Hmm. I don’t know. Something here just doesn’t seem quite right.
Passive-aggressive competitive sabotage against women who are black to keep options limited??
I darkened with age. Skin turned light brown, hair dark brown, and eyes hazel. I definitely look like a black woman unlike my black mother who did not.
I really can care less what a person calls themselves – black, mulatto, biracial. Doesn’t matter. I love who I am. The things I am most proud of about myself have little to do with the fact that I’m a smart black woman who has made great personal decisions in my life. I am MOST proud of the way I treat myself and other people.
I enjoy this site because it encourages me to love on my own terms. My terms. I was hoping to commune
with like-minded individuals who may not always agree with my opinion but respect my right to have one.
Hey ladies – Joyful Noise is now in the theaters. You may want to support this movie. There are a couple of very visible interracial love themes running throughout (black ladies with white and ASIAN men) and race doesn’t even come up. Good music too.
I’m not talking about any one person, but rather a variety of things that have begun occurring lately. When people try to argue that white is black and black is white, it causes confusion and the discussions can’t advance. I don’t want the site to lose focus/get off track.
Relationships exist not on one person’s terms, but rather on the terms of the two people involved. The terms of a relationship also affect the children that the relationship produces.
You have spent much of your time on this site focused on graphic details of the slave past and the fallout from it, and your “right” to distrust white men in general because of this and other issues – to the point that I had to start rejecting your comments. Since I don’t feel there is a point in a woman dating or marrying a man whom she distrusts and deeply resents for whatever reason, I am not able and willing to actively try to encourage you under the guise of “loving on one’s terms.” Everything posted can’t just be “respected” and “agree to disagree,” when the same propaganda the site is devoted to debunking so that people can live and love freely, is being regurgitated. Yes, I try to be inclusive, but the site still has to have structure so that it can serve its purpose of helping my target audience. My site gets off-track if I, or my site members, are focused on “debating” or helping those who fall far outside the target audience, rather than on progressing with their dating lives and relationships.
Velour – I know it takes two to tango. When I wrote on “my terms” I was referring to the ability to make my own decisions on who I invite into my life and not allow this society to dictate.
I can appreciate your desire to keep it positive regarding interracial relationships. That is what drew me to your site. Like I mentioned to you before Velour, it can be a bit of a turnoff when you read posts where black men are compared negatively against white men on a sexual tip or in general. That was certainly the case on the thread regarding white men’s ability to satisfy black women in bed. It’s hard to bite your tongue when reading some of the posts esp. since we all know that people are individuals.
As I mentioned before, I enjoy your site and understand your vision for your site. Since it is viewed on a very large scale it is important that we remain cognizant of the messages we send out when we blog. Lord knows enough folks try to bash us and tarnish our image without us joining in.
I think you’re mistaken. I don’t believe I’ve said that I wish to keep this site “positive.” That would be unrealistic, given the variety of topics that come up. I think some assume I want to keep this site “positive” simply because I don’t post lengthy rants about black men and the “black community” out of the blue – though I don’t see why I would, considering it’s irrelevant to the topic of interracial relationships. The rule on this site is to keep it constructive about interracial relationships. I have a rule on my YouTube channel to keep it positive. I created the rule because there were women who had no interest in interracial relationships, had never been in any, and were not even considering, but acted as if my videos were their personal venting board about their interactions with black men. My channel simply shows happy, loving interracial couples, usually weddings…I saw no reason for this to provoke angry, extended rants about black men (or anyone), which is completely irrelevant to the videos. A few white men started dissing white women, too. I got bored of it all. Thus, I deleted and made a rule against it. On this site, a wide variety of topics arise. The rule is that we agree people should be free to date or marry whatever color they choose, for whatever reasons. I don’t feel it’s my personal responsibility to ensure that women on this site consider black men as individuals as far as dating and relationships go, when it has nothing to do with my site. However, if someone were making hateful comments against any group, I would delete it. I don’t delete a comment because someone said they had some negative experiences with black men. So then, I suppose you’re meaning to say that your lengthy comments on slavery were revenge for the fact that you didn’t enjoy some opinions on black men.
Two finger orgasms?
Ha…that must be what he really meant by “two digit.”
Urm, NO, he meant giving her orgasms that add up to more than single digit orgasms…Additions, subtraction.You’re a smart girl.. come on. Meaning, more than 9…Once you get to 10, you are in the double digits… Some females are multi-orgasmic.
…Aaby and I were just joking around…hence my use of “LOL”…
After reading the question a second time, something stuck out – the original question posed was basically, “What is your response to the MEDIA telling black women they’re better off dating white guys?” Not what black women tell other black women, not what black men tell black women….the media.
And yet, Robin doesn’t respond in kind, discussing the media. He makes it about how few good white men there are, how many good black men there are, and what black women should be doing. So in essence, he didn’t really answer the question, but instead got on a soapbox that was rather irrelevant and unnecessary. Ugh, shut up, Robin.
Yup, just the same as what he did in the other interview when asked how he felt about the fact that rap music calls black women demeaning terms. He got on an irrelevant soap box about fixing the conditions of impoverished and violent neighborhoods so that rappers wouldn’t have to rap about that. Lack of focus is a symptom of a drug-addled mind…
JUST once could a celebrity in the spotlight who wants to “represent” us actually make SENSE? UGH!!! -_-
It is damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Essence asked Robin Thicke stupid questions and put him in a very different position. To be honest, I find them very insulting about black women in general and I rarely buy the magazine because of this.
For a magazine, they seem to be so appalling, I have lost patience with them. They push the same rubbish, I do believe in black love, but married black love and any love of a man of a different race who marries and loves his black wife, that is worth celebrating. Not Sean Comb and Kim Porter as the ideal black couple, ideal black man Reggie Bush, not Jill Scott speaking for all black women, not Steve Harvey either, not asking Halle Berry, why a white man.
As long as a black woman is happy and being loved, I don’t see why Essence could not support it, since it’s billed as a magazine for black women. It’s sad the way this “Puffy” person has treated Kim Porter over the years, and for this magazine to support this “relationship” just because there are two black people involved is quite disturbing. The sexualized image of Reggie Bush, a man who does not want women who look like the magazine’s target audience, seemed to be in poor taste, especially when considering the context of the mag’s usual “wait for a black king” meme. It was not necessary for the mag to ask Robin whether it’s ok for the media to encourage black women to marry white men like him, when he’s just a singer looking to promote his music and the issue has nothing to do with him. I think Robin is responsible, too, for his words.
My local library has issues of Essence dating back to the first issue, and even in the 80′s Essence had a propaganda article on BW/WM in IRR designed to scare BW away from WM. They used the usual tricks: “WM will only see you as a sex object” and “he just likes your dark skin because he has a fetish,” etcetera. They were clever enough to do it in a way made it seem like first hand knowledge from both a BW and a WM. I wonder how many BW turned down WM because they believed what they read in that article? And how many are still unmarried and alone, because they’re afraid to expand their options as a result?
Last year, someone told me about an article in Essence where some BM was angry because a BW he had dated for a whopping 11 YEARS (but never bothered to marry), and had not seen in years, was now married to a WM. According to my friend he was getting sympathy for it. It’s ridiculous!
By the way, it wasn’t the “you’re not black enough” type of kids bullying me in junior high, LOL. The bullying wasn’t about blackness per se and not all of the kids participating were black; they were various colors. Just to clarify. It was not about blackness, but coolness, and kids acting stupid. It was a public junior high for kids who had high grades and/or were talented (and we were the top class) – but many still behaved badly.
I do not buy Essence magazine for some of the reasons mentioned in other posts. Every time I see any black-oriented magazine with the headline ‘black love’, I just smile at the outdated term. Ebony’s February 2012 issue is entitled “The BLack Love Issue”. C’mon, they need to stop feeding that soup to black women. Love is love no matter where you find it – Black, Asian, or whatever.
LOL….I smile at the outdated term also. That type of soup I refuse to eat, anyway.
You should not be ashamed of your entire heritage(s) anyway.
For example, if you are half black and half Asian, you should consider both ethnicities/cultures. If you claim yourself entirely as black or Asian only, then you are pretty much selling out the other race.
Agreed, that is my view. I think that a person who is mixed with black and Asian is black and Asian, and a person who’s mixed with black and white is black and white.
I know about the past, but I think it’s time for people to grow up and not perpetuate notions about themselves that are socially harmful to them and to others, and especially not to inflict that on their own children.