In my head we are best friends lol. Which seems fitting that you would be the person I ask for help, with what’s become a very sticky situation. Met this guy on match.com, we didn’t hit it off during first convo and lost track of each other for a few months. Last month he sent me an email and we’ve been talking nonstop almost everyday. It started out as fun and flirty. We find humor in everything, and found we have quite a few things in common. Since I live in California and he in Boston, we haven’t “met” face-to-face, but constantly joke about what it would be like, if we ever did. While the conversations can be pretty steamy we’ve never crossed the safe line, until a few nights ago. the convo got so raunchy that I needed a cold shower to cool me down. He is quite experience when it comes to satisfying a BW. He is white and only dates BW. I briefly dated a WM in high school many yrs ago, I’m a BW. The way he describes his love for a BW body, movement and style will make any woman melt. I am so hooked, it is getting quite scary lol. Which brings up the reason for this email. Am I setting myself up to be a booty call? Have I crossed the line and presented myself as an easy lay, by engaging in these conversations? What are proper internet dating etiquette’s? The possibilities of us actually having sex is pretty slim, because of our locations, but still. what if he was local? I am so conflicted. While I don’t want to stop speaking with him, I don’t want to come off as easy. Yet at times, the conversations does help a lonely girl get through horny nights. What do you suggestions? What are some Internet dating etiquettes can you share? Thanks a bunch!
~”Conflicted”
Dear Conflicted,
You have only been talking to this man for about a month – and you are having steamy cyber sex with him.
Yes, it’s very likely that he has the impression that you two will carry out these sexual fantasies you’ve been weaving, shortly after meeting up. He is worked up and craving you, and knows you feel the same. Even if he thinks you may not want to have sex with him immediately, he may be so distracted with desire that it will be difficult for him to focus on anything other than sex if he meets you.
You will probably be eager to act on these fantasies as well, if you continue having these arousing conversations. The fact that the two of you live so far apart does not help. Both of you may feel pressured to rush things since you wouldn’t know when you’d be able to see each other next.
If you get the sexual gratification, it may feel nice in the moment…but the reality is that you will probably regret it and feel hurt later, especially since it sounds like you’re starting to really like him.
On the other hand, if you meet up and decide you’re not ready for sex, he may feel you teased him, and resent you for it.
Therefore, having cyber-sex with a man you are interested in and think you may want a relationship with is typically a no-win situation.
There is nothing wrong with flirting, and even being playfully and lightly suggestive – but it’s best not to have sexually explicit conversations with a man you have not even dated but think you may like to date with the possibility of a relationship.
Since you have already let the conversation get explicit with this guy, I want to say either keep it on the internet and never meet (the danger is that the desire to act on the fantasies will probably grow and it will get harder to resist the temptation to meet and act on it) – or cut things off. I will be honest with you…I do not have a good feeling about the guy. If you are intent on dating him, though, you should let him know via internet as soon as possible that, although you had some steamy conversations, you were just playing around and are not looking to have sex. At least in that case, he’ll know what to expect (of course, he may still try to seduce you, and you may still give in because you still have these fantasies on the mind).
I suggest you get your hormones under control before talking to this guy in the future, and any other guy whom you encounter online and are open to meeting and having a relationship with. Meet your personal needs with a vibrator or your preferred method prior to each conversation. That way you will be thinking with a clear head and won’t be tempted to let the conversation get salacious. If the conversation does start getting steamy with this guy or any other, make a joke about something to break the mood, and then change the subject.
Well, I am not going to scold you, “Cyber sex is bad netiquette…never do that, you naughty girl!” – if that is what you were expecting me to say. Many people who have a computer have done this at some point – and I am not an exception. When I was a teen and first got my own computer (with a dial-up internet connection, haha), I must have cybered with several dozens of guys (of all colors) until the novelty wore off like two years later. The difference is, I never met those guys I cybered with, never gave my name, never sent my picture (some sent me theirs after in the hopes I would meet them…some were even clothed LOL!), never got on cam (two of them did; I deliberately did not buy a cam), and never really allowed the conversation to get much deeper than “ASL?” One guy (white/Japanese) did become a cyber-friend for some years, so we talked about other things. He had my email address, so he reconnected with me last year, but “Er, I’m married and no longer do that.” LOL.
Anyway, if this guy really likes you, then he will make it his business to go visit you in California and go out on actual dates with you. That is the least he can do before describing all the ways he wants to have intercourse with you, no? Do not devote all your time to hanging around the internet chatting with and having pretend sex with some guy while gradually becoming convinced that there is a relationship that does not, in fact, exist at this time. While you spend your life at the computer hoping and waiting for a date with him, he may be seeing another woman in his city.
Just because a guy appreciates a black woman’s “body, style and movement,” that does not say that he is entitled to be rewarded with a black woman’s “body, style and movement.” I haven’t read what you like about the guy…I am only reading that you are flattered because he likes you. Or, well, likes a group of people that includes you…or likes the appearance of people like you…(?). See, I don’t “melt” simply because a guy (regardless of color) says he finds me beautiful or thinks black women are beautiful. I mean, that’s really lovely and all…and, don’t get me wrong, I do appreciate it. It may get him a “thank you,” it may get him a smile – but it will not get him an automatic date, my love, and certainly not sex. Whether he has a chance with me depends on whether I actually like him (well, when I was single). Women in general need to have standards and not melt at the first sign of a flattering tongue. A lot of women get in trouble because they pay attention to what a man says (or types), only, but not what his actions show. As I said…not too impressed with this particular guy. But then, I don’t know him at all. I’m just going by the description you gave me. I could be wrong.
I myself have been through this experience. I connected with a Latina–we had communicated before on a message board and reconnected through myspace (yes this was a few years ago). I knew she had a little bit of an Internet crush on me from the message board and things moved pretty quickly from being suggestive and flirtatious to cybersex. She wanted to fly over to meet me (she lived on the West Coast, I’m here on the East Coast) to reeanact our little scenarious in real life(!). Meanwhile I met a woman offline, and we hit it off right away. Finally I had to tell my cyber playmate I couldn’t do our conversations because it was pretty much cheating on my real life girlfriend. I know I hurt her, but continuing to keep her hope alive for our relationship to happen offline would have been worse.
Yes I agree that was the best thing to do.
I think internet dating is dangerous, and this is the reason why. Because you get shit like this that happens. I hope she will leave this guy alone, and just find someone else that she meets in person. That will be the best thing to do, instead of dating online. Too many people lie online all the time, and they say things about themselves, and make things up that are not true. So no! I don’t feel that internet dating is safe. I think she should stop, and just go out, and meet some guys in person. That would be the safest thing to do, because she will be able to physically see them, and she will get to know more about them, when they meet.
I think she’s getting too attached to this guy. I wonder if she’s ever heard his voice, seen him on webcam. He could be anyone.
Well, online dating can be dangerous if not approached with much caution, yes. Some people do marry people they met on the internet, however, and the number of these marriages is rising. I know of at least one. I agree, though, that it’s important to lead a rich, active lifestyle, and meet romantic interests as possible through one’s activities and social circle. Online dating sites should only be a supplement.
I’ve had a similar situation happen to me, it seemed as if the guy was an awesome catch on the dating website, and we began messaging one another. Everything was nice and polite, I never said anything inappropriate nor did I hedge towards anything sexual happening. Did I find him attractive . . yes. I really, really do, however, once he began sending me pictures of his private parts and speaking sexually to me I was turned off. It seemed like I would be a conquest to him if anything, not someone that was something more to him.
He also was rude on the phone. He’d never dated a multiracial female and kept throwing the fact that I’m “black” or “racist” in the conversation. It seemed like he was more interested in the fact that I’m black than getting to know me as a person with feelings.
However, it’s his loss. I can find someone better, I know that.
Oh my goodness…you did the right thing, he was in it for fantasy only, it was not genuine at all…this is vetting is so important. The quicker the conversations turns sexual…the real deal bill comes out…and who he really is…