Hi. I am a 24 y/o African female raised for the entity of my life in the U.S. I grew up with a large interracial family mostly consisting of Lebanese and african mixture. I have dated all shades from white (light) to bi-racial (mixed) to black (variety shades of dark). However, as the years progress, I find myself more and more drawn towards bi-racial or white men. There is an extreme internal battle with this preference as I feel guilty for wanting something that is different from me (dark). Generally, men of all color find me attractive but as a dark skin girl, I struggle with the fact that I would love to try to seriously date a man of different race/ culture. I also have this insecurity that these men of different race only want to date me because they think of me as exotic and something of a trophy to carry around. I don’t want to be a trophy, I want substance and quality.
Anyway, I recently ended a 4.5 year relationship with a lovely man because I felt that it was unfair for me to stay with someone that I didn’t find attractive anymore. At some point I loved everything about him and even now I still love him because he is truly a wonderful men. However, I have been traveling abroad a lot and have a life totally different from what I ever expected. In addition to private relationship issues, I most recently I started feeling guilty because I find men of another race or bi-racial backgrounds more attractive. I honestly thought it was unfair for me to keep a wonderful black man away from other eligible women especially if I did not see him as my future husband. There is more to our relationship problems but that is for another day.
Well, this morning, I am thankful I came across your site. It helps me understand that my preference is okay and that I am not a “sell-out” as some may call it. {Disclaimer: sorry for repeating such an ignorant statement because it hurts me so much when I hear it.} Anyway, Thank you. It does not absolve my thoughts, but it makes me feel like I have an online group that can help me get through my unknown guilt, fear, and apprehension.
~M
Dear M,
I’m really glad to know that my site is helping you.
Yes, it’s definitely ok to have this preference. As long as you know that you are happy with what you see in the mirror, as long as you can see the beauty in yourself, then your attraction to someone of a different shade does not mean you hate your appearance or yourself. Some people claim that in order to love yourself, “you must love a man who is a reflection of you.” This does not have any basis in psychology; it’s a pseudo-psychological talking point that someone pulled out of a hat for self-serving reasons, and that other people began repeating over and over as if it were proven fact. There is only ONE reflection of you…the ONE you see when you look in the mirror. It is how you feel about THAT person that proves how you feel about yourself. You know very well whether you or not you can see the beauty in that person standing there before you. It’s really that simple.
I think men generally see women as exotic. Even a white woman who is dark-haired with darker features is said to be “exotic.” When there is something unique and eye-catching, something that stands out about a woman, something that may be exceptionally gorgeous, it will tend to captivate many men. In my view, that is perfectly fine; it’s nature. A man can appreciate your unique beauty – and still love you for who you are from the inside out. It depends completely on the individual man in question, and is not really about his color or yours. A lot of men have trouble seeing past nicely-shaped or protruding body parts or a pretty face, for example.
The way you can know whether a man is interested in getting to know you as an individual is if he has real conversations with you. Is he asking the sort of questions and interested in the sort of conversational topics that will enable him to get to know you better? Is he interested in hearing about or even participating in the things that interest you, and that concern you in your day-to-day existence? Does he treat you with respect? Does he care to hear about your goals and stances on important issues or issues you are passionate about? Does he share similar things with you? As you get to know him better, does he confide in you, care for you when you’re sick, miss you when you’re away, sacrifice his self-interest for you? These are the sort of things you need to ask yourself about his behavior to see whether he is interested in connecting to you on an individual level or not. He may be drawn in by your glossy dark skin catching the rays of the sun…but if he is not a superficial man, he will care to learn about your character and life, and these are what will connect him to you. Physical attraction is the usual starting point between one organism and the next…insects, animals, humans. That is just a part of nature. There is nothing wrong with a man appreciating and reveling in your outer beauty, however. It’s a wonderful thing! I recommend the article, “What’s Wrong With Being Exotic?” by an interracial blogger.
I think you are right that it would be unfair to stay with a man you realized you do not really love, desire, or feel satisfied with, when he could be with someone who makes him happy. It would also be unfair to you for you to cheat yourself and settle when you do not have to. I think you should go for what you want and be happy.
M!
PLEASE don’t feel guilty about what you feel deep down inside. I totally understand! i kind of went through the same feelings because I honestly never believed in liking someone purely for ‘race loyalty’. I too have dated men of all shades, but find myself more attracted to mixed or white or Asian….just non-Black men..lol. but, when you ever get doubt- think about it— do Black men of whatever hue feel guilty/need to explain their preferences??! never- or rarely. So, go ahead and go after what you want. I can BET that your personal interests and hobbies automatically will surround you with who you REALLY want to be with. just make sure you vet the guy well!…. and as for that comment about not wanting to be a ‘trophy girl’ ha! that will show itself really soon – just make sure you pay attention to the signs and ask the serious questions that Velour posted.
I’m not the only one. To explain my situation I have to give you my family background.And I’m not dark I’m more like beyonce and her sister on this picture (a little shade darker) http://hawaisabelle13.blogvie.com/2011/05/27/beyonce-dans-une-tenue-zebree/
I’m a west african and french descent. I also grew up in a large interracial family. My paternal grandfather was born from two biracial (west african/french) like all his cousins. More than 85% married another biracial (half black ( african or caribbean)/ half non-black (european/asian)) and the other an european or an african. My paternal grandmother is black african and my mother is black african but her maternal grandfather is a black african and Berber/Tuareg descent.
There are all shades in my father’s family. My father’s half little brother is a blond and blue eyes guy like some of my cousins, my father look like a yemenite/qatari while his aunt is like an indian and his cousin is mistaken for a chinese even if he didn’t have one drop of asian.
In my mother’s side, there are many light skin people with brown to auburn hair and some with Freckles due to the berber side (my maternal grandmother, some of my mother’s sisters, some of my maternal cousins and some of my maternal cousins’ children).
Now I can come back to my situation. I remember that I was never romantically attract to black or biracial people.
My first sweetheart, when I was 2/3 years old, was lebanese. We were sweetheart and best friend for 3/4 years and I had know him since my birth. We separate when his family move back in Lebanon.
My second sweetheart was french, I was 8 years old and we stayed 2 years together and separate when he come back in France.
That same year, one of my mother’s sister told me she known that my futur husband would be biracial or white.
Biracial people generally marry biracial people (fact in my father’s family)
or White to rectify the fact that my mother is black and not biracial. I know my aunt isn’t racist or prejudiced but I have to say this little speech trapped/confined/imprisoned me. I just wanted to show her that it was absolutely false so I forced myself to change my preferences. Now I see I only have been lying to myself for 15 years since my 10 years old. And I walled myself in a relationship of 8 years (since my 17), 8 years too long.
I feel completely guilty because I really like him but like a brother. I can’t stop to reject him and when he asked me why I changed the subject or played the victim or give some lame excuses. I am really attached to him but like with all my cousins. I like his family and he mine. We decided to think about your non-separation and talk about it in June 2012 but I already know my answer.
Thanks M and velour because of you today I can face the reality and true with myself.
Sorry for the english mistake, French is my native language.
Hi MG,
A golden glow is beautiful as well.
My half-sister is about that same skin tone (she is not biracial, but the parent we do not share is mixed). Some biracial people in my family or other families I know married very dark-skinned people, so I think it depends on the family and individual in question.
Yes, if you’re very dissatisfied in your relationship with him, then it does not make sense to torture yourself and him by maintaining the relationship. Life is short – and only comes once, furthermore. We may as well find some happiness in it, and spend it with someone with whom we can truly be happy and make happy.
You’re welcome. I’m glad we could help.
I was the exact same way at first, but coming across Velour’s YouTube channel, blogs, and witty comebacks to those who want to do nothing, but harass, helped expel the “shame” I had for being more attracted to white and non-black Latino men. Little does Velour know that her blogs were able to help me make it very clear to this pro-black man that I am not interested in pursuing a relationship with him, nor will I ever be. I’m pretty set in my preferences, now that I’m not ashamed of them. I’m glad to see that another sister is letting go of her guilt.
Well to be honest I can really only speak from a ” white male ” perspective and I have a beautiful dark skinned African born partner. She is my world and all in it !! but by no means a “trophy” she is an intelligent woman who is more than I could have ever asked for ! admittedly there are cultural differences but they are not insurmountable …far from it ! they add to our relationship I accept her heritage and customs and ask her to change nothing ,now or ever! she also accepts mine , so to answer your point directly I do not doubt there are some who would view you as a “trophy” but the vast majority would see you as a beautiful woman and having pride in your partner does not a “trophy” make ! so to me it seems although as with all dating you need to be sure of the person and their motives ,most of all you need to believe in yourself …you are a woman and a stunning one …..any man of any race would be mad to not treat you as such ! I hope that helps ….you are far from a “trophy” …best wishes and hope you find your prince
I have always been attracted to non-BM and have never felt this “loyalty” that some BW have to have relationships exclusively with BM. A good man comes in all colors and ethnicities, so why limit yourself by doing what other people want you to do? It seems that BW are supposed to apologize for our choices or have our blackness questioned. No one else has to deal with this but us and it’s annoying to be put into such a position where we are having to defend our right to choose who we want to love. This is why blogs like yours are so important and I hope that the trolls don’t try to intimidate you as they do other bloggers with a similar message.
Oh, I definitely get the trolls LOL, but I don’t let them stop me.
I think every man wants a pretty, hot, or cute wife. I think trophy has been a word to shame them for being vain. But men have always been visual creatures. Anyway, don’t be ashamed of liking what you like, some people like mayonnaise, and some like miracle whip…. can’t believe I just said that.. :-/ lol