Approximately four months ago, a 49-year-old woman sent me this unsolicited message out of the blue. I found her offensive. I found the exchange amusing.
I tend to be African Centered, but i will not down a sister, who had to go outside their race to marry. Many African men are searching for the field to play, amongst other things, and tend not to want to “settle down”. I would not marry white, but i don’t get angry of black women who do. I just think, how sad. Not enuf brothers to marry sisters, period.
I find you offensive. I’m not sure whether you are deliberately trolling or are actually this clueless. You say you “don’t get angry” at black women who marry white men. If you did become enraged over the personal relationship of a complete stranger, you would be the only one suffering. I personally would not care. I married a man who is white because I wanted to. Are you angry yet? I was very physically attracted to him, and he to me, and we fell deeply in love and got married. Angry yet? If I had to do it all over again, but this time every black man on earth were single…I would still choose my man again, as he is my soul mate. Angry enough to explode? Don’t bother patronizing me by making it seem like my marriage could only be the last resort of a desperate woman. Don’t bother insulting me by implying that I could ever be desperate over the fact that black American males are not getting married. You say you “tend to be African centered.” Ok…that’s nice. Would you like a gold medal? You said you “would not marry white.” Um…ok. Medal? Go back to your usual pages and fix your relationship with these “brothas” of yours, rather than spamming my interracial channel with rude remarks.
(Warning: her response contains some strong and inflammatory language):
Who the hell are u talkin’ to. Fool, i had ur back. What u going off on me for. u have shown your lack of love for your own. I gave u the benefit of the doubt; thinking u chose non-black cause u’ve been hurt by your own. However, if u choose non-black cause u like them better; u suffer from serious self-hatred. I prefer the skin i’m in. The original people were African, and that’s something i’m happy about. Why would i choose a degenerate from my DNA (do ur research) than the original? I empathize with sisters, who have to go outside the best. But never, would i ever say i prefer someone other than my daddy’s race over his. Are u kidding me. We are so damaged mentally. Thinking the Caucasian (from the Caucus mountains) are better suited for us than our own, is sick, sick, and sick. U don’t want to fuck with me; i won’t fuck with u. But u can’t anger me, as u asked several times; “are u angry yet?” I understand our brainwashed condition. I just wish u did “sister.”
*Shrugs.* You thought wrong. I am not hurt, as I have never even dated a bad man in my life. I thoroughly enjoy every minute of being with my man; therefore, I married him. ☺
Ah…I see. You were hoping to discover I am damaged, and married to my man solely out of bitterness, spite and obligation. You are agitated now – ranting, cursing, accusing, name-calling – because you discovered I am very happy and deeply in love. You “care” so much about black people that you would prefer to see a black woman damaged by rejection or hurt and in a relationship with someone she does not really want, than to see her genuinely happy and in a healthy, loving marriage. You are the sick, demented one. You are damaged mentally – and must bear that cross. Do not seek to have me accompany you in your misery.
My father is not a selfish pervert who gets off on seeing his daughter with a man who looks like him. He loves me; therefore, he wants to see me with someone who makes me happy and who holds the values he and my mother taught me. A real father simply wants what is best for his child – but I guess I can’t fault you for not knowing that if you do not have a father,
or have a sick one who wants to sleep with you vicariously through your partner. If the only thing a father wants is for his daughter’s husband and lover to look like him, or a daughter can’t happily love and make love to a man who does not look like her father, the term “Electra Complex” comes to mind. I don’t know what creepy dynamic may be going on in some homes between fathers and daughters…but I can’t relate, sorry.
The original humans from whom all humans are descended may have shared our color, but all people are constantly genetically adapting to their environments as the region changes or as they migrate. Therefore, you and I are not genetically like the original humans, either. The hilarious thing about this (and I am actually laughing), is you look more like a white woman than you like me or any other black person.
My only sisters and brothers are those born of my parents. Period. You are not my sister. They are not my “own,” my brothers, or my men. I don’t mind a person who genuinely cares about me using these terms of endearment…but don’t bother trying to establish a false connection in order to manipulate me.
Many people of my culture are black, but we also have a mixture of peoples descended from every corner of the earth. We see ourselves as one nation. I am capable of loving each person as a human. Clearly, I am more mentally evolved than a degenerate nut like you. In your obsessive world where color is everything, being in a relationship with someone who does not share your skin color yet shares your interests and your heart means you hate your skin color and yourself. Just the way a tall person in love with a short person must surely be a self-hater. Right. I don’t relate to the warped mentality people like you hold. The people who hate themselves are individuals like you who do nothing but sit online day after day fighting “gender wars” with your cultural fellows and ranting about them, while at the same time wanting, hoping, and expecting to be romantically involved with these same people you are so angry at, and thinking they will want you when you bash them constantly. I think I saw that behavior listed in the dictionary under “insanity.” You wish the same psychotic dynamic on me, for me to spend all my time ranting about all the things that supposedly make all white people inferior – yet at the same time be married to a white man.
I don’t need your “benefit of the doubt,” “empathy,” or for you to “have my back.” I am suggesting you take them all and shove them. The people who matter to me support my relationship. I’m comfortable with my life, so I don’t seek approval, especially from anonymous cyberfolk. You came to me seeking validation for your misery and decisions you want to make based on them. You’re dismissed and blocked. May you one day discover the meaning of the word “love,” and find some peace in your dreary life and within your sickened, angry soul.
♦◊♦◊♦◊♦◊♦◊♦◊♦◊♦
Gee, what kind of “self-hating,” “damaged” person would do such a horrible thing as find love and be happy? I should be sitting on the internet alone and lonely until I’m 50, growing increasingly hurt and bitter…waiting, waiting for my “black kang”…hating more and more the men I’d want for not coming…trying to plead, guilt, fight, and browbeat men daily into being who I want and into choosing me…searching desperately for a sign of hope that a random stranger on the internet is equally as miserable as I. Yes…what a picture of self-love and self-respect (not).
Oh please. Women like this one just want to see all black women miserable because they are miserable (by their own choice). These black women blame other black women who are not “waiting for a black kang” for the fact that they can’t get a black man to marry them. The marriage rate of these men she is referring to began drastically declining long before I was born, before I was old enough to start dating, long before black women’s interracial marriage rate began rapidly rising in this country. Funny that women of other colors or cultures marry interracially or interculturally all the time – yet that doesn’t stop many of the men of their color or culture from marrying the other women who did not (and vice versa). Black women are the only ones in the world who supposedly should have to get down our knees and plead in bulk, and lower our standards to naught in hopes that black American men will get married. Sorry…not interested. I am not responsible for the fact that any other women is single, and I refuse to feign desperation or be desperate for black American men or anyone else.
I believe the woman read my comments on the “When Others Have Complexes Over Your Interracial Relationship” article, which was published not long before she wrote me, and wanted to let me know that I could have her “support” and the support of her fellow female black supremacists if I would just change my stance and start pretending that a black woman could only be in a relationship with a man who is not black as an absolute last resort. I could have her support, if only I would degrade myself by saying I was desperate, and degrade my husband by portraying him as inherently inferior and an option of last resort because of his color. She wants to convince me that I am miserable, in the hopes that my misery will bring about her happiness. This woman is no “supporter” of mine – or yours, if you are anything like me. She cares nothing about me nor my happiness, but was merely attempting to use me as a tool to get what she wants from the males she wants. She does not realize that those males she is chasing can see through her games and deception. They know she is not going anywhere. She has no intention of doing so. *Shrugs* When she is 85, she will still be fighting “gender wars” on the internet from her rocking chair, and threatening to date interracially – and those males will still be mocking her, their eternal sitting duck. That is her business and theirs; she really should not have wasted her time attempting to pull me into something that does not and has never pertained to my existence.
There are people who want me to help or support these types of black women who want to date interracially yet have no genuine interest in men of other colors, or are even outright bigoted at other groups, and angry at the world.
I remember once some bloggers sent me the link to the Blogspot blog of a nutty, prejudiced A-faux-centric with article after article ranting about non-black people and planning with a handful of other angry people (mainly women) how they would build an exclusive “black nation” within the United States. One day, the woman woke up supporting interracial marriage for black women (to men of any color) and wanting to marry interracially (to a man of any color except white) because she suddenly realized she was middle-aged and that black American males – the very few who contributed to the discussion – would never actually help her build her “nation.” (She sounded exactly like this woman; they may even be the same person. Then again, all bigots tend to sound alike.) Some people thought I would or should support the individual’s message simply because she condoned interracial relationships at the end of her long, bigoted and bitter tirade about white people and black men – and were disappointed by my firm reply: nope!
I don’t support everything and everyone or accept their support just because at some place in an endless rant, they concede that interracial marriage is ok (well, that some are ok sometimes). What is the difference between supporting crazed black bigots in marrying interracially, and supporting a member of a white supremacist group who decided to marry a black woman because, after years of no luck in gathering a sufficient number of white women to build a “white nation” and making one of the women his wife, he decided he was lonely? LOL. I am not interested in the façade of support from flaming bigots.
You do not have to wait until you are far older, or have been used and hurt multiple times to follow your heart. You do not have to find happiness on someone else’s terms. Toss away their baggage and live your life!
Actual profile of the woman who messaged me
The reason that I have a problem with the whole “Afrocentric” thing is because there is no “African culture.” There are tons of cultures in Africa, each very diverse from the next. Africa has always had more cultures and more diversity between cultures than any other continent, and this is due to its geography. Lakes, valleys, mountains, etc. separated tribes so that they did not interact much. (This is also a reason that Europe developed quicker in recent times…the terrain was flatter so that people could interact more and build on ideas quicker.) Anyway, she was not born in Africa and most likely has never even been to Africa. If she has, then she may have been to a city or two in one or two countries, and read an Afrocentric book, and is now generalizing her ideas garnered from this superficial interaction with the culture to the entire continent. This is ignorance, and this is why I call it A-faux-centrism. She’s trying to erase all black cultures and push her false notions of a continental culture onto every black person worldwide. She is maybe 5% black based on her appearance (and I’m being generous with that estimate). There is nothing wrong with that – except that it seems she is self-hating.
Ok, not 5% black LOL. I am sort of exaggerating. But I know it would be the worst thing in the world to her, to look into a mirror and face what she truly sees.
Hi Velour,
I came here through a link from a mutual friend (Lorraine) and I am glad I did. You have this woman’s number. She’s the last of a dying breed that never had a strong hold on the black community anyway –definitely not for black males and now not for black women.
And she is … I don’t want to say deranged but it’s odd how she set herself as someone that you should curry favor from and that her approval or disapproval could possisbly crush you.
Usually people who have those books listed as their favorite reading material are people I stay away from . And I wonder if she has even read –or finished– The Autobiography of Malcolm X because you can see his views of race transitioned by the time he broke with the Nation of Islam at the end of the book.
And I agree, any woman who still views marrying out as a means of last resort is bitter and any relationship that comes from it won’t be long lived.
You don’t need my kudos but again, I offer it to you.Thanks for the good read.
Hi rentec, thanks. It sort of rubs me the wrong way when people like this woman keep trying to give some black men superficial ego boosts by claiming all women, particularly all black women, desire them and that any other man is a last resort. This tactic clearly isn’t working to bring back the men they’re looking for…just making these individual women look really bad. I refuse to look bad along with them.
I understand why Malcolm X and some others had to be radical back in the less civilized days of this nation – but the world is moving forward now, and some individuals are intent to grasp tight to the past. “Going back to Africa” in spirit (or, well, to a version of Africa that exists mainly in A-faux-centrics’ own heads, since most have never been to the continent) will not grant them an escape from this globalized world. People will ultimately need to learn to co-exist. As you wrote, Malcolm arrived at that realization by the end of his life.
I’m glad you enjoyed. Sometimes I have no idea how people will take what I write, since I can seem to be sort of a radical in regards to interracial relationships (in their view). What some people can’t stand is that I won’t apologize or make excuses for being in an interracial relationship. Some people will only “forgive” you for being in an interracial relationship if you are unhappy and did it as a last resort.
Misery loves company I’m sure that lady does not have a Black husband and is miffed that you have a white one.
You are much too kind to her. I cannot and will not banter with Black female White Knights battling a failed war she failed to speak of the 22% interacial marraiage rates for the scant BM who do marry! Thats right almost one quarter of married BM are married to non-Black women.
What do those hypocrites have to say about that??
Right, very few black men in the country even get married, and of those who do, 22% marry interracially annually.
LOL, yes, you’re absolutely right that people with her mindset are a waste of time and energy to reply to. I don’t recommend that black women who are interested in or in interracial relationships ever actually reply to or even read or listen to these things when someone writes or says it to them, particularly if they are prone to doubts. I only did because I know she can’t sway or frustrate me, and that I could use it as a teaching moment for my blog. People say it helps to see my arguments about things they typically hear. Her message did not actually bother me; really, it’s small potatoes compared to what I typically get. Black American males aren’t sending me death threats as much as they used to, but now they’ve begun threatening to rape me in order to “correct” my attraction to “Neanderthals” (as the latest one, who wrote in yesterday, put it). I have been getting mean or sick messages on a nearly daily basis now for nearly four years that I am apathetic. It’s like someone telling me it’s icy in Alaska or foggy in London. Sometimes I do find the mean messages funny. I guess one meets all kinds on the internet.
Ageed, its a teachable moment of social insanity. So glad that sort of mindset is a dying breed, so to speak, powerless & impotent. Love your blog, just added you to our links list!
Thanks, Happy Dark Girls. I’ll check out your blog in a bit.
Thank you very much. We’re a week old and already interviewed a rock star!
Congrats on the rock star. I added you to my links page, the media section. It’s wonderful to see dark girls happy and loving the skin they’re in.
not a damn thing, this is what hypocrites do and do well, never would i allow anyone to dictate who i am to love, this vapid twit is completely out of her bird brained mind…no offense to birds…lol.
LOL @ “no offense to birds.”
Wow, she sounds like a nut job. I have often wondered about the mental stability of people who get belligerent over how another person lives their life. It cant be normal.
Right, why would she even care this much about whether I’m happy with my husband or not? It shouldn’t even matter to her life. When I was just being born, she was just coming into adulthood, so my attraction to some white men and marriage to one obviously could not be the cause of her being single, despite what those males may be telling her (some black males on YouTube claim they are angry because some black women are marrying white men…oh please). I think she’s angry because I can be with a man I want to be with and she can’t. She would feel a bit better if she could get me to yearn for black American men.
Among the other inanities in her response to you, she also goes entirely “ghetto” in language, tone, and complete lack or reason.
Her assertions about degraded DNA are absurd, “backed up” with nothing but and admonition to “do ur research”. “ur”? Really?
And ALL CAPs to boot. This one really has it all.
LOL, supremacists always say “Do your own research” – or just link people to their own supremacist websites and pretend that this proves it. I agree, she has no proof that the DNA is “degrading.” Everyone’s DNA is constantly changing from generation to generation.
She didn’t actually use caps in her response. I always style the quotes in a certain way so people can differentiate the quoted text easily from the rest of the article. Complete lack of class, though, is what she displayed. My initial response to her wasn’t even rude enough to warrant it. Saying I’m happy with my husband should not be an insult to anyone LOL.
I won’t style the quotes in caps anymore, though, if it’s annoying. : )
Hi Velour.this is my first time commenting here. i am sorry that you had to go through such a thing.yes that “woman” if you can call her that, is truly DBR…something similiar like that happened to me before and i put that miscreant in her place(in a classy way..it was a public restaurant) aside from that, keep doing what you’re doing…and love who you love
Hi FourAndThreeQuarters. Welcome to the site.
Thanks. I agree, she is a mess. Sadly, I am so used to this by now. They like to pick on people who make interracial videos or write interracial blogs, thinking they can harass and intimidate us into silence.
ROTFLMAO….this has got to be the silliest wench of all. How dare she try to shove her views down your throat, and on top of that, get angry over you not desiring black men?????? I’m not aroused by the idea of being intimate with someone who has my father’s face. That is called INCEST. Perhaps that is what took place in her home growing up. It was nice of you to blur here face and username. We have to protect the stupid, even if they can’t protect themselves. LOL
Yes, that is really disgusting. I have no idea how someone could be turned on looking at a man who has her father’s face. The idea makes my flesh crawl. Not because my father is not good-looking or is a bad person – quite the contrary – but…daddies are not supposed to inspire sexual desire in their daughters or want to. I don’t get it. o_O
Exactly Velour! I love my father and he is such a caring man. We have seen men of other races share the same characteristics, but getting with them is a problem for these “preservers of race”. We all know that 99% of these people are just speaking out of anger and misery. She needs to talk to the Lord about her issues with black people dating and marrying interracially. Unlike us, He cares and will listen. She is not the first person to try “calling you out”. There were many before her and will be many after. They can keep it coming, though. They will only end up with the feeling of embarrassment.
Yup, these black men and black women who claim that they are against interracial relationships and want to marry each other really shouldn’t bother going to an interracial page to observe, analyze, and write bullying or manipulative messages. Why come to me, rather than go together to the altar they claim they want to go to together? I am not standing between them and the altar. They claim my website and videos “brainwash” them into interracial relationships, LOL. That is hilarious to me. I guess I force them to click on video thumbnails of a black woman with a man who obviously isn’t black, and to click on Google links that contain the word “Interracial” right before “Intersection” in the title. Right. They are wasting their time, since bullying will never be the reason I stop doing anything, and I am not easily manipulated. I’m sure the negative messages will continue to flow.
The fact that I have never really been so attracted in a physiosexual way to black men is not going to change because some random woman on the internet doesn’t like it.
Exactly! She needs to go take her meds, because she has CLEARLY lost it!
You were absolutely right to put “Sistah Soldier” in her place.It’s interesting how people are so comfortable talking junk when they are behind a screen. I just don’t know how you deal with these people on a regular basis. She was way out of line by assuming that she knew your relationship. You hit a nerve or she wouldn’t have gotten so defensive. But the threats from these BM are downright scary, but I guess you are used to all of this since you have been blogging for a while. I believe in freedom of speech, but you can’t just threaten people simply because they don’t think the way that you do. That woman needs to be on medication….
You’re right. I’m probably becoming too blasé about the type of messages I receive. I’m not really afraid, because I know that in the unlikely event that they do discover my whereabouts and try something, they will be sure to find more than they bargained for. I differentiate these from the thugs on the street. Most of these are shaking, frightened on the inside, like small boys. These same males who write to me are the ones who cry daily online that the women of their culture are oppressing them, white men hold them down, and that they feel too traumatized over slavery (something they’ve never been through) to move ahead. That may inspire lots of things…but fear is not necessarily one. Someone who feels powerless and broken calling me mean names and threatening to hurt me is the equivalent of a toddler throwing a tantrum. But just in case…something is always prepared.
The trolls pick their victims based on who they assume will be weaker, or won’t have allies. I have been doing this (commenting on Black gender issues) in several venues while always identifying as an older white male for three years. Lots of people get upset, never had a single threat, and very few insults. I don’t entirely understand why.
I think it’s because you’re a man. These guys who send threats are afraid of men, particularly “the white man.” They are less likely to send violent death threats to a white man, knowing they will look pathetic to him and everyone who knows about it when they won’t act on the challenge to go to his neighborhood alone.
The reason they are mad at me is because they know I am indifferent to them. The arguments on my blog support anyone dating whom they please, even if I write for black women (specifically the ones interested in dating and ultimately marrying interracially, or who already are). People who are parts of interracial combinations that do not include a black person have written to me, thanking me, saying the blog helped them. Two black men have even come to the blog thanking me (at least one of them was definitely sincere). I am secure in myself. I don’t wince when those guys say “Go’n get me a white woman.” They see that I could not actually care less what color anyone is dating as some may wish I did. Some women claim to be indifferent to them; they know those women are lying, as the women talk or write about them ad nauseum with impassioned anger, some even saying that they would “like to see black men suffer for all the things they’ve done to black women.” Those guys need my attention. Like a child, negative attention is better than no attention. They love the anger and disappointment of the woman who wrote in. They feed off it (emotional vampirism). They can’t feed off me.
These black men who send me messages here and on YouTube have tried throwing everything at me. They attack my self-esteem, thinking I will start wanting them if I don’t feel “good enough” for anything else (like this woman and her friends, maybe?). Failed. Stereotypes. Failed; they can’t find one that applies. Throwing things I wrote on my blog in my face. Failed. Calling me racial slurs (“Mammy” was the first; ‘N’ word strung up with the ‘B’ word is a current favorite, though ‘Jemima’ is increasing in popularity). Failed (believe it or not, I didn’t actually learn what the ‘N’ word means until late Junior High; my culture is not so familiar with the term, and I have never been call this in real life? Terms like ‘Jemima’…not culturally applicable). Threats are the last resort of the desperate. I reply, sometimes. When I do, their feelings are hurt: they cry, they crumple like paper, they claim I “hate black American men.” That is wishful thinking. They sometimes claim I say things I don’t, hoping to get more attention. Fail. They never mention the unprovoked filth they write first. I don’t ask them to watch my videos or visit my site. Males who know they will lose control and embarrass themselves shouldn’t bother viewing my content. Males who know they may not like the responses they receive shouldn’t bother sending hateful, unsolicited messages. One black man sent me a pretty nice message (last month) though. He also wasn’t out to trick me, since he didn’t reply after I thanked him lol. Most will reply with a barrage of questions. If you play along (I do it at times, for info… though they think they’re gathering info on me or tricking me), it’s clear that they want you to be with a black man (even being married, they think you will leave and be with them…or, long ago, they claimed I was inventing a significant other to get their attention…talk about delusional LOL…delusions of grandeur).
I haven’t actually shown my hubby what most people type. I have told him, “People send silly threats to scare me away.” I have never given him an idea of what the threats might consist of. He reads all the articles before or after I post them, but he does not have time to read comments here, usually. I figured he won’t see the comment I posted and realize I get death and rape threats. Most men don’t really like seeing their partners threatened…
I think the lady doth protest too much. I’ve learn that many of the black women who claim to be against IR relationships, and feel the need to preach “black love” and ‘black supremacy” to another, does so out of pure jealousy. How dare you velour, or anyone else defy the status quo? how dare you go beyond the color line and prove, not only are black women desired by other race of men, but they are worthy and capable of true love within and outside their race. To hold on to the belief that black women can’t find love outside of a black man, makes it easy to settle for less. If we are seen as without options, it is easy to blame others for our lack of trying. This woman’s post is not about protecting our race, this is about an angry woman fighting her own personal racial demons. She sounds like she was put through the “brown paper bag test” one too many time. I love how she started her letter as if to be one your side, trying to enlightened you, while throwing around underhanded comments. Did she not think you would respond and put her on blast? lol silly rabbit, tricks are for kids.
You have a lot of good points. I never thought of it that way, but I think you’re right. I don’t see why she would even find this blog, stick around to read through comments, and later watch the video with the black woman/white man couple – if she didn’t have some interest in interracial relationships. It seems to go beyond the level of curiosity.
It’s pretty sad – embarrassing – how hard she tries, talking about the “Black Wombman” and “African Supremacy.” There is no way she would be considered black in Africa; there is no “one drop rule” in African countries. She would know that if she had actually visited…so thinking on it more, I realize she never has. In some countries in the world, she would be considered a white woman. Her only “black feature” is her nose. Her lips are thin, and I think she just styled her hair that way in order to look blacker. It’s clear that she is trying to overcompensate due to some experiences she had growing up. I think she needs some therapy so she can let go of the trauma.
Now this has been a good read. Let me first say hello again, because it’s been a while since I’ve commented on a thread. But this one is near to me because I have caught some major hatred over the years from bigots and they were all ‘black’. Each one, I could concluded, only served my desire to continue seeking love.
I was only passively attracted to white men through my teens, and had yet to truly encounter any man that synced with me but I must admit that I was elevated beyond ‘thinking about it’ to ‘stepping forward and doing something about it’ when a black guy I was seeing drew emphasis on his own interest of claiming himself a ‘white queen’, in attempt to strike a chord of disdain in me. He was young, foolish, and breaking my heart had become a sport to him, so it seemed. So he could have said he wanted to screw a sheep…anything that tied me in knots and could draw tears was his life’s mission. Self-hate is a nasty cancer.
It never mattered to me one bit the color of a person’s skin so I never concerned myself with the color of anyone’s chosen love interest. If a black man is interested in any woman besides me, let me show him to the door…and let the road rise up to greet him. Her color is mere a shell. Until you love yourself you can’t love anyone, anyhow. I felt sorry for him and I never ceased prayer for that fool. Because only a fool would turn away someone who loves them if they had not a dime, one dime, or a 10,000 of them.
So. It. Was. On. No. I didn’t need his permission to date out of my race. But on that day, and the days that followed, slowly the ‘love’ blinder fell a little more from my eyes. Black men and men of every ethnicity drew an interest…simply because I opened my eyes a little wider and realized love was what I was truly seeking not a shell, but a man, one of full maturity. I died that day literally and was resurrected as a being seeking the perfect love that had God promised. I found it, seeking God’s love.
I thank him because I happened upon the love of my life two years after the ‘boy’ broke my heart. And though God saw fit to take my soul mate just two years after our first date, he was undeniably the greatest love of my life. Yes. He was a man. A man who saw me, got me, was my friend, my companion, my shoulder, my protector, my lover, and guess who I had to thank again and again for that? Yep! the boy!
It goes without saying that when you are set free of any bind, you are open to seeing every thing a little clearer. I didn’t love my soul mate because he was white or Lebanese. I loved him because he was a complete person who didn’t find any imperfection with me. He was mature enough to know that he didn’t need to tear me down to make himself feel better.
And he loved me until he drew his last breath.
It brings tears to the boy’s eyes on mere mention. Because in all of his efforts, he still didn’t get to experience that great love…that perfect love we all hope for, not even after 20 years of marriage and three kids.
Be careful what energy you send out into the universe…it surrounds you.
So trolls you have no authority here. Those who know their God, are on His watch. God said he’d make enemies footstools, and that all things work out for the good of those who know their Lord and called according to His purpose.
So touching, SparkApCider…this made me misty, from beginning to end. I had to show it to my hubby. Thanks for sharing. It’s beautiful that you, and he (the one who loved you with his heart and soul), got to experience a love like that. I am sure that the light of that love will never be extinguished from your heart.
Boys, or people, who are filled with hate are hurting themselves, their own worst enemy. Their hearts will never be warmed with the love of or love for others while their souls are devoted to bitterness or rage, tormenting or vengeance against others. The saddest part…for them…is that they will not learn this until it is far too late.
There is no shame in a person having been hurt in the past. There is also none in making a mistake and picking the wrong person. I just want to clarify that. It’s the way a person deals with the hurt that counts. If they allow it to embitter them, that’s a problem. If they work on their healing, heal, learn something from their past experiences, and go on to live, that is a wonderful thing. The woman who wrote me the messages allowed her pain to warp her into something that is very unpretty (on the inside).
Velour
Hi, I am Bob w from Ohio. I was married to a wonderful AA woman for 21 years until she passed away at home. She had COPD, a terminal and very slow way to die. We were married, had no kids, (she has 4) and had a beautiful and loving relationship. There were times when her family members questioned her sanity about us and she told them “He’s my husband; you don’t have to live with him”. We were and still are soul mates, I love her dearly and want everyone out these that just because our skin was different color, (did not really notice that myself) we are two human beings that found happiness, love, trust, companionship and equality in our relationship. I have to say to the haters and jealous people out “SHUT UP!” because until you experience true love (within or outside your own ethnic makeup) you have no idea what you are talking about. I miss my wife dearly, may she rest in peace, and as long as I live even if I find another will always love her. This is what I feel, and I wish everybody who has not found what I have will also someday. We all deserve to be loved the way my wife and I do, once in life. Thank you for your blog, I am subscribing to it now. PS, I am a WM, 61 years old; we met 22 years ago when in our late 30′s, early 40′s. Remember, it is NEVER too late to find love. Bob
Hi Bob W. Welcome. I was sorry to read about your loss, yet really glad that you and your wife were able to experience over two beautiful decades of love. Many of us would miss out on the love of our lives if we permitted our hearts to become tainted with suspicion, anger and bigotry that closed us off to interactions with people who do not necessarily resemble us. I realize that there will always be some people who choose to see only the negative. It’s nice to see men and women come to my site to express their openness to people of other colors, and share their true stories of love that transcends superficial color boundaries. You’re right when you say that it’s never too late in life to find love, so thanks for that reminder as well.
how touching
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Hello Bob,
It is individuals like yourself who motivate us to continue breaking down barriers. While being sorry for your loss, I’m also grateful to have come across your story.
One of the saddest things, is that I realise people really need Jesus, because without him, people cannot really love. It is very sad, that the woman came on your blog and tried to insult you.
Unfortunately, she is so blind, like some many of people in that mindset. A lot of black women have been fed lies, and many of the Pan African leaders in the late 1950′s, early 1960s, most married white or non-black women, and many are still indoctrinated with the rubbish.
If she wants to marry a black man, I am happy for her, but to come on your blog and tell you that you married your husband, because it was the last resort, is not only insulting, but very pathetic. She is a lost soul, she is bitter and she needs a lot of prayers. I love your blog and keep up the good work. God bless you!
Valerie, a lot of these men even openly say that they sleep with non-black or white women – even though they claim they would never marry one for reasons of “black pride.” Somehow, it’s ok and a mark of self-pride to have casual sex with women they don’t even like – but for a black woman to fall in love and marry a man who is not black is a crime in the eyes of those same guys. These guys who sleep around with non-black women and their black female defenders all think that black women are required to boost his ego by sitting around waiting until the guys are done with non-black women and “come home”…LMAO. Fat chance. I mean, those women are free to fight, beg, worship and jump through hoops if they please…they will just be doing so without me.
You can tell it chapped her behind that you refuse to dignify her with any sign of sadness, regret, or misery. If she were as full of love and concern as she tried to claim, her immediate response would have been to apologize for offending you.
Instead, she tries to guilt-trip you (pathetically) into feeling some sort of sadness or regret because God forbid you marry the man you love for reasons having nothing to do with racism! HA!
And the kicker? Her ilk will likely be the ones growing old and alone and passing into extinction. I think subconsciously she knows this, but rather than do the hard thing and actually expand her mental and emotional horizons, she demands that everyone be as miserable, hateful, and ignorant as she is. And anyone who fails to do so will feel her poorly-typed rage.
Whatever.
Great post and response!
Hi Toni, welcome to the blog. I replied to the related post on your blog “Why do sista soldiers come into BWE spaces? Just had a thought…”.
These women think they will be able to get a black man to marry them if they prove “loyalty” to black men by strong-arming black women in interracial relationships into saying we could never be happy without a black man. They don’t realize that the low black marriage rate in the U.S. has nothing to do with black women in interracial relationships. I mean, black men were still sleeping with white women during the Civil Rights Movement, and at that time it was dangerous. Even now, black men marry white women and go to live in areas they know to be racially segregated. If they are interested in marrying women like the one who wrote in, nothing is stopping them from doing so, especially when such women tend to live right in black neighborhoods, and a blind and deaf man could tell that they are interested in black men by all of the “Black man is God”/”Nothing but a black man” cries. It’s clearly ridiculous that they think that the existence of black women who are not interested in marrying black men is keeping “their” men away. The existence of white women who aren’t interested in black men isn’t keeping black men away.
Today, a woman insisted to me that I consider dating every man regardless of color (I’m married…lol). I have had an endless number of women insist that I include “men of all colors” on my website and in my interracial videos on YouTube (the latest one was two days ago). They just want to appease black men by ensuring black men feel included. Certain black men and women accuse me of deliberately “excluding black men” from my pages, or pretend that they “misunderstood” the lack of black men in my videos, especially, as being intended as subliminal attacks on black men. I don’t see why having pages intended to support black women who are in or interested in interracial relationships, and to discuss surrounding issues should be viewed as vindictive against black men or anyone…but if they choose to see it that way, there’s nothing I can or will do to stop them. I don’t feel guilty or shamed and do not feel I actually owe them an explanation as to what I choose to post on my own pages.
Men aren’t attracted to women who treat them like or allow them to be babies as these women do when they try to mother grown men. Black men who have not thus far will need to put on their big boy pants and get used to the fact that there are women out there who don’t prefer them, including black women. It’s not “black gods and kings, and then everything else” as they wish it were. It’s simply “men and more men.” No one can attract everyone. That’s just life.
And on the topic of life…life is fleeting and uncertain, so I believe each of us should feel free to seek some happiness.
Thanks for visiting!
You are right, it’s blatantly obvious that IRR involving black women are not to blame. If anything, they should be thanking such women for removing themselves as competition. But then…that would require actual logic.
Shaming (or trying to) BW into being another member of the harem is just disgraceful, and you’re right. BM know what they want, and they are going to go for it or literally die trying. And for a number of them, that does not and never will be these “nothing butta brotha” black women.
And you’re right about what BM are not attracted to. These women are ironically doing themselves a disservice by stepping in and white knighting for black men. It’s a combination of emasculating and desperate. And yet, they want to get mad at other people.
Hmm.
I wonder if these Sister Soldiers and mammies are afraid to admit that because they’ve refused to open their options, they’ll die alone. Unfortunately for them there are no male Brother Soldiers who reciprocate their undying commitment for “Black love”.
Black men, to their credit, marry whoever they dang well please. They don’t seek out approval of Black women for their mating choices, and don’t care about what Black women, White men, etc., think about who they love. That’s why they date out and marry out in such large numbers.
When will Black women get the memo that it’s okay to be in love with someone of a different race who makes you happy?
Toni says:
If anything, they should be thanking such women for removing themselves as competition.
This is the same argument that Ralph Richard Banks makes in “Is Marriage for White People?” – that the dating world is a marketplace, and the BW opening themselves to all races decreases the excessive “power” held by BM in the current competitive environment. All BW benefit, even if only some do it.
I am selective about what topics I comment on. However, this one is of importance to me. Before I comment, I do find it sickening what that person said to you. However, I would also caution against too much emotion while responding to these idiots. Yet, in that same breath I understand how people like that can take you to an unbelievable level of anger with their ignorant comments. For example, one black woman told me, “Why do you have to marry a white girl? Why can’t you get a black girl that looks white.” As If I chose my wife because she was white. I was put into a position that forced me to respond diplomatically, because she was such a loved person at my uncle’s church.
I was not actually angry when replying to this person, LOL. If these messages seriously affected me emotionally (whether with hurt, anger or sadness), I would not bother with YouTube or this website, as it would not be worth it to bring stress into my life. I understand being careful and diplomatic to someone who has significance in one’s life – but random internet strangers who send anonymous messages do not apply. If they are left feeling offended, not agreeing, not understanding, or loathing me, it has no personal or social impact on my life.
Regardless of the reason a man chooses his wife, and vice versa, that is no one’s business but his own. EVEN if his wife is purple with green stripes and he married her only for that reason…good for him. It is not proper for anyone to ask the reasons or to suggest that another person should have been the spouse instead. I have not had anyone in real life directly demand to know my reasons for marrying my husband. I would have to laugh at the audacity, and assume it was meant to be a joke.
Some don’t know me well enough to look deeper. My first reply was not expressing upset; it was intended to reveal her intentions. Had I been genuinely upset by her first message, I would have been even more so by the second, which contained overt insults. However, my second message was calm, and contained only one carefully placed insult (“degenerate”), which she had used and which I simply turned back on her. The second reply irritated her more than the first. The intent of my second message was not to have her understand and approve; this is why I blocked her from responding. There are people online who dislike or even hate me – but I don’t let that stop me from correcting people who are out of line. There were some well-intentioned people who told me I should not have replied…but I did it because I wanted to. I’m sure there will be times that I reply in the future as well, though I’ll probably not post it unless there is something to be learned. I posted this because it shows people one tactic that is employed.
Some people are not versed in the art of troll-busting. That is, when you turn the tables on someone in order to make them divulge their true face/motives/intent.
You don’t have to be angry to do this, just know the right things to say, and buttons to push. And often, because these people are full of it to begin with, they end up showing who they really are, and what they’re about/
Yup…you get it, LOL.
I didn’t know what to say when genuinely concerned people messaged me saying, “You seemed so upset.” Eh…no. Her message is mild compared to the usual. If every ignorant message I received upset me, I would have been finished before I got started, because unkind messages do come in as a steady stream.
WOOOHOOO! go Velour!!!! i love the “my sisters and brothers are those born to my parents, you’re not my sister or my own” hahahaha! so true!
I feel sad that there are people who forgets the value of love. True love doesn’t require two people to be of the same race. It’s the mutual feelings that count and race is out of the subject. Saying something like that to someone happily married to another race shows ignorance and doesn’t know the real meaning of marriage.
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You were so right to put this self-absorbed hater in her place. It sounds to me that she’s not, may have never known a good man in her life, is afraid ‘the one’ might not be “black enought”, and can’t stand that other black women are proud to call a man outside their race a good, respectable, loving, marrage inclined, great provider. She’s afraid of being lonely alone. She can drink all that “Black Power Kool-Aid” all she wants. She has no right to try and undermine people because they love outside the color lines.
Love your comment…welcome to the site
Velour, you are my hero!!!!! This woman had no right to tell you who you can or can’t not mate with, its obvious that this woman is 60 with 20 children and 50 grandchildren by now. LOL Its because of your strong words and inspiring message that teaches me to fight the good or bad fight, against people especially black people who don’t want to see black women happy or ask to keep their happiness to themselves, and I’m sick of that. Thank goodness there is women like you who stands up and fights for black women who deserve better!!!
Hi SarahGirl, welcome to the site.
LOL @ “it’s obvious that this woman is 60 with 20 children and 50 grandchildren by now”…too funny. That must be why she’s bitter, but I’m not the one who’s preventing her babydaddy from making an honest woman out of her. She should be challenging him, rather than being angry at a random woman online for being happier than she is.
Thanks, I’m glad I inspire you.